The hidden half of domestic violence
How to have eternal life
all have it at times, but do we control it or does it control us? Is it always
wrong to be angry? How do we know when it is right? This may be several parts
and we will be using scripture extensively. If the verse is not written out (and
they will be for most of them) and you do not have a Bible, try this on line
Bible. It does have the Greek and Hebrew available also: The Blue Letter Bible
Father we do ask that you help each of this with this study on anger. Help each of us to allow You to work in us so we will follow your command to be angry and sin not. We want people to see Jesus in us, They will not see Jesus if we are angry all the time.
Father, we do not want them to look at us and say that if we are Christians, they do not want to be one. Lord, we thank you for the help you will be given us in this difficult area for those who as far at the world is concern would say have a lot to be angry about.
Father, we do not live by the worlds standards, but by YOURS!
Thank you for all Your help AMEN
Much of the following information is from David Hocking
WHY DO WE GET ANGRY?
(1) IT IS OUR NATURAL TENDENCY....OUR OLD SIN NATURE..
From whence [come] wars and fighting’s among you? [come they] not hence, [even] of your lusts that war in your members? Ye lust, and have not: ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain: ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not. Jam 4:1,2
(2) IT IS ENCOURAGED BY DEMONS
For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Eph 6:12
(3) DEMONS APPEAL TO OUR OLD NATURE.
But if ye have bitter envying and strife in your heart, glory not, and lie not against the truth. This wisdom descendeth not from above, but is earthly, sensual, devilish. James 3:14,15
note that it says it is in “our” heart, not that satan put it there.... the demons only use what is already there (Jeremiah 17:9 tells us “the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked)
(4) WE LACK GOD’S WISDOM AND ARE SELF-CONFIDENT
He that is void of wisdom despiseth his neighbor, but a man of understanding holdeth his peace. Proverbs 11:12
(dispiseth does indicate anger)., James 1:5 tells us “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask God, who giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not, and it shall be given him.
A wise man feareth, and departeth from evil; but the fool rageth and is confident Proverbs 14:16
He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding, but he that is hasty of spirit exaleth folly Proverbs 14:29
(5) WE CAN NOT RULE OUR OWN SPIRIT..
He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he who ruleth his spirit, than he who taketh a city. Proverbs 16:32
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
These are typical of those with outburst on anger. There is no protection when we give satan a base of operation that can lead to other sins. We allow satan to build strongholds which become stronger the more we yield to it. but strongholds can be broken. We have to expose sin to the light of God’s Word, Darkness thrives on secrecy. satan tells us we are the “only” Christian with this problem and then tells us we must not be a real
Christian., Remember, the greater the secret, the stronger the stronghold.
Often some things may not be appropriate to post on public places such as Shattered Men, but please message someone that will understand and will help you thought it such as one of the founders whose name you will find under the contact list if you are new to this club. We are here to help YOU (please note , I will not capitalize satan even at the beginning of a sentence I will NOT give him that honor!)
(6) WE ARE SLANDERED OR CRITIZED BY SOMEONE WITHOUT KNOWING ABOUT IT .
The north wind driveth away rain, so doeth an ANGRY countenance a backbiting tongue. Proverbs 25:23
(note accountability is on both sides those who slander are accountable but so are the we for the way we respond to it.)
Whoso secretly slandereth his neighbor, him will I cut off; ..... Psalms 101:5a
There are no kind words for those who slander
(7) WE ARE JEALOUS
Wrath is cruel, and anger is outrageous but who is able to stand before envy? Proverbs 27:4
When we do not have the same things as others and when we compare ourselves to others we often become angry and bitter.
Let us pause here for a moment to define these two words from a dictionary:
anger:: a feeling of displeasure resulting from injury, mistreatment, opposition, ect and usually showing itself in a desire to fight back at the “supposed” cause of this feeling. (rage is anger carried to the point of being violent) bitterness: characterized by strong feelings of “hatred”, resentment, cynicism Bitterness is essentially anger stored over a period of time.
(8) WE ARE PROUD
He that is of a proud heart stirreth up strife but he that putteth his trust in the Lord shall be made fat. Proverbs 28:25
An angry man stirreth up strife and a ferious man aboundeth in transgression Proverbs 29:22
Only by pride cometh contention but with the well-advised is wisdom Proverbs 13: 10 An angry person will cause strife and contention the root of this is PRIDE. Pride will “lead” us to be angry
My son despise not the chastening of the Lord, neither be weary of His correction; for whom the Lord loveth He correcteth, even as a father the son in whom he delighteth Proverbs 3:11,12
We can often become angry when things do not go the way “we” think it should. We can hold anger in for years, even decades but it WILL come out, most often with someone who is NOT at fault.
My dear friends, this is why so often childhood abuse results in us being abusive. We have been “taught” to hide anger,. When we were abused, we often became angry and we then told to “shut up” or we would get it some more. We “learned” to bottle this anger up. It has turned to bitterness over the years and often we can not even realize it.
It is my believe that we should allow our children to vent anger in appropriate ways. One is to allow them to express their feelings as long as it is not disrespectful of anyone. Another way is when WE realized we have wronged our children, when WE have sinned against THEM. we need to go to them and ask “their” forgiveness. Of course this holds true for anyone we have wronged. One of the founders will be doing a post on forgiveness after this serious is done but for now, remember, when we “apologize” this is not asking for forgiveness. When we wrong someone a simple “I am, sorry” is not enough. The story of the prodigal son is a good example of how to ask for forgiveness. (Luke 15:11) When we ask forgiveness, our asking should reflect the hurt as much as our offense hurts the one we offended. but this will come later.
WHEN IS IT RIGHT TO BE ANGRY?
(1) WHEN IT REFLECTS THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD
And the Lord was angry and delivered him to the tormentors, til they should pay all that was due him. Matthew 18:34 (the full story is from verse 22 to 35)
He that believeth on the Son of God, hath everlasting life; and he that believeth not the Son shall not see life, but the wrath of God abideth on him.
For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men who hold the truth in unrighteousness.
This shows justice on the ground of law. GRACE is offered to sinners (Romans 3:21-26, 6:23 . If you are not a Christian, please read First Step for Better Relationships
When we see injustice being done and we do not speak out against it, are we not guilty of the wrong too? All it takes for evil to triumph is for good men (and women) to do “nothing” I have seen news report after news report recently saying 1 our of 3 “women” are battered or abused, that 95% of the victims are “women” There are posters and ads all over to stop abuse to “women” WE even have our own (US) government buying into this lie with a violence against women’s section in the Department of Justice.
We have passed not one but two “Violence Against Women Acts Does not this make it sound as if it is all right to be violent against MEN? Meanwhile “MEN” are being abused, physically, sexually (even by many women) emotionally and they are even being murdered. Women have even bragged to men that they could kill them and get away with it and this is very true., We are not doing this to say the problem that women being abused is not important but when the media states 95% are women this is an outright LIE by feminist groups (they are not holding the truth in righteousness) and if we do not work on stopping ALL violence, it will stop none.
There is a “Christian” Feminist club on Yahoo and I do wonder how they do this in light of 1 Peter 3:1 and Eph 5:22-33.
We do need to speak out when we see injustice being done be it to a man or to a woman.
(2) WHEN WE DO NOT SIN IN THE PROCESS!
Wherefore, putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbor; for we are members one of another. Be angry and sin not; let not the sun go down upon your wrath Neither give place to the devil. Ephesians 4: 25,26, 27
We need to be angry at the sin, not the sinner.. According to verse 27, satan uses our anger to get us to commit more Sin. Anger leads to assault, property damage and murder,
(3) WHEN WE ARE ANGRY FOR THE SAME REASONS AS JESUS WAS!
And when He had looked round about on them with anger being grieved for the hardness of their hearts, he saith unto the man, Stetch forth thine hand. And he stretched it out and his hand was restored as sound as the other., Mark 3:5 (start with verse 1 for the full story)
Jesus was angry because of the hardness of the hearts of those around Him. They wanted the letter of the law and would not show compassion to those that are hurting. The Pharisees were the “Politically Correct group during that time. Are we doing the same now when we do not speak up against the PC crowd? When we do not take a stand for what we know God wants --against ALL abuse, against homosexuality, feminism , against abortion and a host of other SIN.? (there are such fat juicy worms in that can I just opened isn’t there?) Mind you, I am not saying that each of the ones reading this has to be involved in all of these areas. God does call us to “specialize” in different areas but we do need to give support to our brothers and sister in the areas they are called to do.
I had message from a dear friend that she could not stay in Shatttered Men since she did not feel it was her fight. She did promise to pray regularly for this ministry and that is the best one can do. We are human and we can not be involved in all areas all the time.
THIS is the area I am called for now. I will fight with all HIS MIGHT to do what I can to STOP all abuse and to HEAL HURTING PEOPLE! It is by His strength and power that this is done.
And they brought young children to Him that He should touch them, and His disciples rebuked those that brought them, but when Jesus saw it He was much displeased and said unto them, suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not; for such is the kingdom of God. Mark 10:13,14
(displeased is literally “moved with indignation Jesus was ANGRY He told them to LET THOSE CHILDREN COME TO ME!
When are WE going to be ANGRY that so often the “church neglects hurting people since they do not fit our mold? Men who are being battered, women who use their bodies to make a living?
WHEN will we see these people as souls that will spend and eternity in HELL if we keep neglecting them? How many groups can you think of in the next few moments that are being overlooked? I do praise God that there are some that are reaching out to the “unlovable” such as rescue missions that will go to the gutters to lift someone out of them, James 1:22 tells us to be doings of the word and not hearers only.
If we take in and do not give out we will be like the dead sea which does not support life. We can be so heavenly minded that we are no earthly good.
WHEN IS ANGER WRONG?
WHEN WE SEEK REVENGE
Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. Romans 12:17
Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but [rather] give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance [is] mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Romans 12:19
Say not thou, I will recompense evil; [but] wait on the LORD, and he shall save thee. Proverbs 20:22
WHEN THERE IS NOT A RIGHTEOUS CAUSE
Strive not with a man without cause, if he have done thee no harm. Proverbs 3:30
But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.
DO NOT BE ANGRY BECAUSE OTHERS ARE TREATED BETTER THEN YOU ARE.
And the patriarchs, moved with envy, sold Joseph into Egypt: but God was with him Acts 7:9
But when the Jews saw the multitudes, they were filled with envy, and spake against those things which were spoken by Paul, contradicting and blaspheming. Acts 13:45
Was it not that Joseph was better treated that he was sold into slavery? Was it not the “larger crowds that Paul was arrested? Both of these events stirred up anger in those around these people.
WHEN BITTER, RESENTFUL, SPEAKING EVIL OF OTHERS, OR ARGUMENTATIVE.
A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but [he that is] slow to anger appeaseth strife. Proverbs 15:18
[It is] better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. Proverbs 21:19
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: Ephesians 4:31
Anger is always a secondary reaction. It is a response to hurt, betrayal, confusion, loneliness, disappointment, and rejection among others things. Anger is a red light that hurt has occurred. To get rid of anger, we need to be honest in relationships.
We should not blame, act quickly, or be passive aggressive. Cold showers do not work nor does counting to ten. Some of us could count a lot more and still be angry.
Throwing things tend to escalate the problem on the other persons side.
Anger is associated with many other sins such as gossip, abuse, both physical and emotional and revenge. (remember Romans 12:19)
We need to remember, a lot of hurts were not afflicted by the people involved. We may be the recipient of anger from years back, or from childhood abuse. How we respond to the other persons anger can make a difference in helping to heal old wounds, or in opening them up again to new hurts.
POINTS TO REMEMBER
When we do have a disagreement with someone, have a neutral space. Not yours or theirs. It sets each party more at ease and helps clear the air.
Do NOT use your bedroom (when argument is with a spouse) and if you do need to, do not sit on the bed. Sit on the floor if you need to but keep the bed reserved for pleasant things only so it will not interfere with sleep or intimacy later on. (thoughts of unpleasant things associated with the bed will interfere with both)
Start with something positive. (I really like it when you....) This reminds you to value them as person and it reminds them that you do also.
Deal with one issue at a time. Do not use this argument to dumb all the past wrongs on someone. (if you forgive someone for something, that incident should not be brought up again anyway)
Take the other person seriously. LISTEN to them,
Empty yourself of the right to change the other person.
Express your anger non-abusively Do not say things like “you idiot”
Do not ask for an explanation if you already know none will be good enough.
Avoid triangles. Do not go to other people to get their approval for “your “ actions and to get “support” for your side,
Do not blame and say “Look what “you” made me do. We can not control everything that happens to us but we do have control on how we respond it.
HOW DO WE CONTROL ANGER?
DO NOT TRY TO DEFEND OR JUSTIFY
Who can say, I have made my heart clean, I am pure from my sin? Proverbs 20:9
He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh [them] shall have mercy. Proverbs 28:13
Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up. James 4:10
BE KIND, TENDER HEARTED AND FORGIVING.
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from
you, with all malice:
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:31,32
After telling us to get anger out, God tells us what to replace it with., The word “forgiving” is the Greek word for grace, giving what is not deserved. We literally grace one another when we truly forgive.
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. Proverbs 15:1
LEARN TO OVERLOOK A TRANSGRESSION AGAINST YOU.
The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and [it is] his glory to pass over a transgression. Proverbs 19:11 We need to use discretion. Often some of our worst arguments were about some of the most insignificant things, Many times we go over the event time after time after time. Now tell yourself the truth, when you go over these things for the umpteenth time, do you not feel anger stirring up again each time? We need to learn to drop it. Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Ephesians 4:28 This helps us to resolve anger quickly, When we delay , anger can often turn to bitterness which can last throughout one’s life and keep us from having victory in our walk with God and it will break what should be precious relationships between parents and children, between siblings and other relationships that should be close. Often we will NOT be the first to reestablish a broken relationship since he/she is at fault. Is this not pride?
DO NOT BE FRIENDS WITH ANGRY PEOPLE
The beginning of strife [is as] when one letteth out water: therefore leave off contention, before it be meddled with. Proverbs 17:14
[It is] an honour for a man to cease from strife: but every fool will be meddling. Proverbs
Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: Proverbs
Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul. Proverbs 22:25
WE MUST LEARN HOW TO ARGUE THE RIGHT WAY
Paul argued for the cause of Christ.
PRAY ---ASK THE LORD FOR HELP
See Effective Prayer for Hurting People
BE FILLED WITH THE HOLY SPIRIT
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.
Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not be desirous of vain glory, provoking one another, envying one another. Galatians 5:22-26
Long-suffering is the opposite of anger. It is a fruit of the Spirit
GOD HAS ALREADY GIVEN US THE VICTORY IN THE AREA OF
ANGER--CLAIM IT! LIVE IT! WE ARE THE ONLY JESUS MANY WILL EVER SEE--- LET US REFLECT HIM SO WELL PEOPLE WILL WANT HIM!
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JUNE is Domestic Violence Against Men Awareness Month