The hidden half of domestic violence
How to have eternal life
The POWER of PRAISE
Now Playing Jesus We Crown You With Praise
Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he
is old, he will not depart from it.
I think praise is part of this verse...praise for a job well done.
Yet, how often do we hear negative things more then positive ones?
I have been burdened to write on this topic for sometime. I do tell
often that praise to our LORD is the key to victory. I say often
that praise got Jonah out of the whale and Paul out of the jail.
Since we are made in the image of God, do we not want...do we not need
praise too? Yet I am not sure how to go about putting this burden on
Right now, I am sitting here, thinking about my grandkids. I have
seen the smiles, the beaming faces when they are told "GREAT JOB
GABER" or WOW! JENA THAT IS SOOO GOOD !" But I have also seen the
frown, the facial expression of a broken heart when someone may have
rudely without thinking said something like "How dumb can you be.
You are an idiot"
Are we not told that if we tell our kids they are stupid, they will
tend to prove it to us? Are we not told that they will tend to rise OR fall
to our level of expectation?
I have seen domestic violence ads that point out that if the abuser
is not taken out of the home and dealt with, then the children will
grow up to be abusers too. Actually, they indicate the boys will
grow up to be abusers and the girls will grow up to be abused as it
is always the dad that is the abuser. We all know this ad is biased
because we know the real facts of domestic violence. But when our
kids hear this ad, what does it teaching them?
Look at so many other things on our TVs, movies, and a host of other
media. Are we not teaching our kids that boys and men are suppose to
be abusers and violent? Oh...they are saying men are not to abuse women
with such things as the Violence Against Women Act, but then the
hidden message is that it is OK to be violent as long as men are the
With the VAWA mandate to arrest men in any domestic situation, are we
not teaching both our boys and girls that women can hit men but never
the other way around? Actually it is worse then this in most places
for if the police are called, most often even if dad has been beaten,
he is the one that is handcuffed, placed in the back of a police car
and hauled away. Are our kids so naive that they can not tell what
is going on?
It is not just society that teaches this. Our own families can, We
tell our sons that boys do not hit girls but when our daughters hit a
boy, we say...Look how assertive she is. Isn't that great?
Why not teach all our children that PEOPLE SHOULD NOT HIT PEOPLE?
Why not teach our kids to use their brain instead of their muscles?
Yet our society teaches that because of one wrong look any woman
should be able to assault a man. When I was in high school, I
remember well posters that showed a woman kicking a man in the groin
because he leered at her, made some remark about her looks or a
number of other things she did not like. Was not this poster teaching PHYSICAL violence is an appropriate response to non violent problems?
The POWER of PRAISE. Oh how we love to post these nice forwarded messages telling about it..but then we ourselves so often resort to the destructiveness of critical thinking. If we do not criticize the spirit out of our children, we do it for OURSELVES.
We see Praise being encouraged in the work place and it does get more production the criticism:
"Sincere recognition can mean a lot more to your staff than just another dollar in the bank. A genuine pat on the back, given at the right time, in the right way, for the right reasons, and in front of the right people; can boost staff morale and commitment in ways that money never will."
How often have we heard that we can get more bees with honey than vinegar?
Yet how often do we minimize or overlook the positive and focus on the negative
or "the next step" instead?
Why, indeed, do we withhold praise? Often, it's because we want better
performance and think criticism is the surest way to get it. Many people operate
under the misconception that praising family members, colleagues (or even
themselves) will just breed complacency or vanity.
In fact, praise of the oil that greases the wheels of performance. "It helps us to see the good in ourselves, to build on success, overcome difficulties, and not feel defeat by failure," says Warren Shepell's Montreal counsellor Guylaine Bouchard.
This article goes on to say:
"Perhaps you've withheld praise because you were not sure how it would be taken. As Bouchard indicates, "what's important is the honesty and intention behind our words. As long as people sense we are being sincere - that we are not humouring them, giving them mixed messages or trying to serve our own purposes - our praise will likely be well received."
Also from the same site:
Here are some factors to keep in mind:
Praise recognizes effort as well as achievement. Bouchard recalls her
experience in a classroom: "It was a particularly challenging lesson and many of
us gave up hope of ever catching on; but at the end, the instructor made a point
of honestly praising our efforts. That encouraged us to keep coming back and
master the material."
Whenever possible, link praise to personal skill and effort as opposed to factors over which an individual has little or no control. Telling a colleague, "the way you followed up on that request made the client very happy," is more meaningful than congratulations on your fifth year with the company!"
Offer praise relevant to the issue. If someone is feeling discouraged about losing weight, be there for him or her. Let the person know you believe he or she is still a good person, but find a way to support so that he or she does not give up. "Better to remind them of the progress they have made so far. That tells them you share their concern and encourages them to continue" Bouchard says.
Don't make yourself the issue, she adds. "For example, when I say I'm proud
of you, it means I'm happy; it does not tell you what you have done right."
With children, it is especially important not to confuse your pride or love
for them with what they have or have not done right. Otherwise, they may have
trouble separating parental approval from the personal satisfaction to be gained
from their own efforts. When offering praise to others, put their deeds in the
spotlight. Instilling a sense of pride in children is easier when we say,
"That's something you can be proud of."
Try not to delay praise. Giving credit where and when it is due can go a long
way toward avoiding misunderstandings and injured feelings. In meetings, for
example, try acknowledging others' contributions as a normal part of the
conversation: "Your idea sounds interesting," or "Thanks for pointing that out."
Find different ways to recognize people. This will prevent praise from becoming mundane. At work, recognize good performance with an upbeat note, praise in a company bulletin or in front of others in a meeting. With friends or family members, why not honour someone's achievement with a special dinner or outing or perhaps, with an amusing story or poem.
Tailor the reward to the person, but try to keep things fair. For example,
don't recognize one sibling's scholastic achievements with a pat on the back and
another's with a new computer game!
Break the "yes-but" habit. Yes, but…it's good, but…but not good enough. That's what we are really telling people when we let the word "but" slip into our expressions of praise. It's a word that "cancels out all satisfaction, all pleasure, all sense of accomplishment for what has gone before," states psychiatrist Dr. Arthur Freeman, in his book The Ten Dumbest Mistakes that Smart People Make. The word "but" may even turn the whole conversation into a fault finding exercise that prevents people from focusing on solutions.
Learning to Praise Yourself
Shakespeare wrote, "there's not one wise person among twenty that will praise
himself," but when you think about it, most of the characters in Shakespeare's
plays were not very happy campers! Recognizing the good in others is easier when
we can see it in ourselves. Here's how to begin making that "little critic" in
your mind move over a bit to accommodate your "cheering section":
Connie Arthur with Elaine Minamide tells us in this
Phrases like "good job" or "nice going" are fine, but they have limited impact because they’re too vague. Specific communication is always more effective, says educator Kathy Koch. Praise that’s specific also affects future behavior. Not only will your child feel encouraged, he’ll also understand what he did well and will likely build on that.
Learn to Lavish
In order to lead productive lives, children—like all people—need more praise than criticism. As parents, it’s important to recognize the power of our words. God has given us the responsibility of affirming our kids and guiding them toward good choices. Proverbs 3:27 says, "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act."
While there’s no doubt verbal praise is important, sometimes your actions can play an even bigger role. That’s when we need to move from praise to encouragement. Though we tend to use the terms interchangeably, there is a difference between praise and encouragement. Praise simply acknowledges the things our kids are doing right. Encouragement is what keeps them doing those things and gives them the desire to do even more.
"Parents say, ‘That was great’ or ‘Nice report card.’ That’s praise," says Dr. Ferreira. "Encouragement, on the other hand, is the process that pulls someone in a direction
Parents tend to focus their attention on the outward behavior of kids, good and bad. But it’s just as important to look beyond the behavior and see your child’s character: honesty, diligence, playfulness, respect, kindness. These inner qualities are essential for your child to grow into a mature, God-honoring adult.
Leave an Impression
When you praise your kids, it’s not the words that mean the most. What’s even more important is the lasting impression you’re creating on your children’s lives. Knowing you think they’re great will carry them through hard times, loneliness, discouragement and failure. Someone once said, "They may not remember what you said, but they’ll always remember how you made them feel."
How can you leave such a lasting impression? Come up with your own unique style of praise and encouragement. One family designed a "Celebrating Our Family" bulletin board where they could post their children’s successes, triumphs, even struggles.
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JUNE is Domestic Violence Against Men Awareness Month