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Single Dads Fight For Their Rights

http://www.womensnewsonline.com/family2.htm

June 2001 WomensNewsOnline.com Volume 19 No. 10

Single Dads Fight For Their Rights

By LAUREN MIKALOV

Surrounded by mothers, Efrain Rodriguez, Jr., of Carmel, is the only dad dropping his child off at ballet class on Saturday mornings. During the week, he is the only father present at the "Moms and Tots" program. When moms learn he is the full custody parent of a four-year old daughter, they often act surprised.

"It was hard to break into the group of women who, for whatever reason, maybe didn't feel comfortable with a dad there, but as the time went on, we would enter into conversations ranging from diaper rash to tantrums, to bottle verses breast feeding. My goal was always to try to gain friends for Meghan to play with whether they be by "playdates" or park meetings. A couple of times we did have outings with mothers, but these passed."

"I know nothing of what it's like to have a baby growing inside of me. But instinctually, I absolutely know how to raise a child," Rodriguez said.

"Deadbeat dads" and single mothers get most of the press, but there are currently 2.1 million unmarried fathers raising their children in the United States, according to the Single Custodial Father's Network, Inc., Pittsburgh, a national organization designed to assist fathers with legal and other issues. Dealing with the same problems that all single moms face, such as budgeting, time management and finding quality childcare, they also grapple with discrimination. Many fathers claim that surprise turns to disbelief when other people learn that it was dad's choice to raise the child, not a situation they were "stuck" with.

"People wonder if the mother is in jail, in drug rehab, in a psych hospital or dealing with mental issues. A lot of people just can't accept that a father is with their child. It doesn't have to be a defect on the part of the mother, it can just be an agreement," said Rodriguez, who worked out the custody agreement with his pregnant girlfriend before their child, Meghan, now four, was born, a mutual decision.

"I think that although we like to think of ourselves as more enlightened and liberal about gender roles, men are still perceived as one-dimensional types of people," said Gene Iannuzzi, of Mount Vernon, an R.N. who became the single dad of three small children, ages four and under, after his wife passed away from childbirth complications. "We have no problem saying that women should have careers and juggle everything. But a notion that a father is equipped to provide the day-to-day things with kids is not a notion that is easily accepted. Can I cook? Yes. Am I opening a restaurant soon? Am I a cook's cook? No. Do I know how to clean the house? Yes."

Like single moms, single dads point out that quality childcare is rare. Iannuzzi, who fought for and won custody of his kids over his in-laws, said that "the days of the $5 an hour babysitter are gone. The nannies are expensive. I eventually found a babysitter who was decent and reliable, but that lasted for a year and a half." The fathers interviewed described situations mothers have long been familiar with; dropping the children off at daycare before leaving for work and picking them up at around 6pm. Evening activities include preparing dinner, playing with the children, and putting them to bed.

"I know a lot of single moms that don't get the praise I get," said Jim O' Kane, a former Brewster resident, who has had custody of his son, 17, and daughter, 11, for six years. His ex-wife was killed at work a few years ago. "People seem to be astounded that you can make dinner and do laundry." He feels these stereotypes originate from the TV shows featuring single dads. O 'Kane's website, www.tvdads.com, which discusses television's single fathers since the 1950s, has garnered more than three million hits.

"On TV, you have the rich, successful single dad who also dates supermodels. In most single dads' lives it is difficult to balance raising kids and keep a job. Also, TV's role models are incapable men who need the servant or nanny to take care of the kids while they reap the benefits of being a single dad," O'Kane said. "Being a single dad kind of reminds me of the performer on the Ed Sullivan show twirling the plates on sticks. I feel like I have a lot of plates on sticks."

Frank Cerasoli, of Stamford, Conn. has had primary custody of his four-year-old daughter, Hannah, for two years. During a divorce, he took care of the child while he and his wife ironed out the custody negotiations. Much to his surprise, he enjoyed being the caretaker and they mutually agreed that he would have full physical custody, but share legal custody.

"It became a situation I became comfortable with," he said. "I had a lot of support from friends and family. It has been a learning process. When my wife left, our daughter was still in diapers and with a pacifier. Once she was potty trained, at about age three, it became much easier. I did not have to worry about the diaper bag anymore."

Cerasoli, who works for a reinsurance company, said, "When the divorce first happened, it really devastated me in a lot of ways. I knew I had to hold myself together and be there for my daughter. At that time, all I did was give all of my time and attention to my daughter. I held onto her a lot. I knew those times meant a lot to her. We bonded in a way which made it a lot easier after that. My advice to other fathers is do not be afraid to give children as much attention as you can. Try to keep yourself together for your children."

Approximately 93 percent of divorced mothers obtain primary custody of the children, according to Rodriguez, President of the Fathers' Rights Association of NYS, Hudson Valley East Chapter, and NYS Affiliate Chairman of the American Coalition of Fathers and Children, a national grass-roots movement helping with the difficulties that dads face in divorce proceedings. A former NYPD policeman, he learned first-hand about the challenge of winning custody after a 1993 divorce from the mother of his two older daughters. He said his ex-wife made false allegations of child abuse during the custody proceedings. "As a police officer I was in jeopardy of losing my job," he said. "I spent five years and $50,000 in court."

Although he often visits his two daughters, who reside in Newburgh with their mother, he never feels like he sees them enough. "Car break-downs are the one thing I have to stay on top of. Sadly; if I don't pick up my daughters, I don't see my daughters. If I don't call my daughters, I don't speak to my daughters. There are no provisions in court to address these most basic children's rights, to see their parent and talk to their parent. So I wait and pray for what I have, and hope, always hoping for more, but happy for what God has given me."

The number of support groups and services geared to mothers far outweigh those that help the fathers. "I never felt comfortable about using the support groups, since they are geared to women. If I'm going to lose weight, I'm not going to Lucille Roberts," Iannuzzi said.

Richard Ivan, Riverdale, an accountant, is currently taking care of his four-year old son as he works out the divorce proceedings with his wife, who lives in Rye. "It is a situation where the divorce is not final and the custody is not final.

"Our son is a very friendly little boy. I want him to stay that way. I want him to continue to progress. He's got a good vocabulary," said Ivan. "I just hope we come to some kind of agreement where we realize how important each parent is. Years ago, fathers worked but moms stayed home and it is not really that way in today's world. A mother is as important as a father and vice-versa.

"I think divorce is too easy nowadays. I think people see that this is the way to solve a problem. The worst part is after it's settled and finalized. The kids suffer. They grow up in a divided situation and it's not natural. If the laws are changed, maybe people would reconsider if they really knew what was in store for the next ten or 15 years," Ivan said.

PHOTO CAPTION: Father & daughter: Meghan Virginia Rodriguez and Efrain Rodriguez, Jr. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ WN Home: http://www.womensnewsonline.com/ © 2001 Women's News. All Rights Reserved.

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