The hidden half of domestic violence
How to have eternal life
Rejection: To throw back, to refuse to accept.
to refuse affection or recognition. To throw away or discard...to spit out or vomit.
Genesis 2:18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
The feelings of rejection are not a respecter of age, gender, ethnic group or social status. New born babies as well as the elderly feel it. Both men and women feel it. Red and Yellow, Black and White feel it as well as rich and poor. Yes it is true that some are more prone to it then others but every human on earth has felt it at some time.
Rejection may be real...or it may be a false feeling of rejection. At any rate, the feelings of rejection has ruined many a life. It has taken many lives prematurely both of those who felt they were rejected, and those that person felt rejected them.
Yes I did say even new born babies can feel rejected. There is a condition called "failure to thrive" in which an infant will not eat, will not gain weight or grow. It was found often in premature babies. WHY? At one time, it was felt that a premature infant should be "handled" as little as possible. Failure to thrive was epidemic in these precious infants. It was found however that holding these infants did wonders. They gained weight, they grew. Now many hospitals have special volunteers to hold these special babies, the premature, the unwanted, the infants born drug addicts. They sang to them, rocked them, and the babies thrived.
Thus we see that even in newborns there is a fear of rejection apart from having "needs" met. And yes, we see that even a new born baby can be....suicidal because the most basic need for a human being has not been met.
What is this most basic need? L O V E! Without feeling we are LOVED...we WILL feel REJECTED!
We will be looking at this feeling of rejection from several different aspects. We will be presenting the PROBLEM, CAUSES, EFFECTS and the SOLUTION in the next few posts.
God has instilled in each person some basic needs. Oh we know about food and shelter but these need I am referring to go to the core of our being. The two most basic of these needs are the need to be LOVED, and the need to feel SIGNIFICANT.
In marriage, men and women each have a basic psychological need. Women need to feel secure. That is they need to feel LOVED. Men need to feel significant or that they are worthwhile to someone. Men want to know they are making a positive difference in someone's life. Both men and women have the deepest fulfillment when their husband or wife meets these. This is one reason why men often find fulfillment in their careers and women in being a home maker. Of course both genders have both needs to some extent. Men DO want to feel loved and women DO want to know they are needed.
When these basic needs are not met, then that person feels rejected and unloved. We then can move on to abusive relationships (and it happens both ways equally) and that often leads to divorce but often not before we pass these feelings of rejection on to our CHILDREN.
CHILDREN. Our children have more "toys" now then ever before in history. Many have more possessions then our parents had in all of their life. They have their own stereos, TV's, CD players, game boys, you name it, they got it. Many even get their own cars well before the are 18. What they do NOT get is TIME! (this is often true for all of those in our life and it is one reason the founders of our partnership clubs have eliminated our Monday chat and have asked each member to spend at least on day a week with the PC OFF and to use that time to spend with their families.)
What are the effects of rejection on our children? Well, often they will turn to promiscuous sex, drugs and gangs to get this basic need met. We also see many of these kids in broken homes and most often fatherless homes.
Look at some of the things fatherless homes produce in our kids:
"Ninety percent of divorced fathers have less than full access to their children." Jonathan M. Honeycutt, Ph.D.(c), M.P.A., M.A., I.P.C. Director of Research, Clinical & Consulting Psychotherapist, National Institute for Divorce Research, Panama City, Florida.
Children from fatherless homes account for:
63% of youth suicides. (Source: US Dept. of Health & Human Services, Bureau of the Census).
71% of pregnant teenagers. (Source: US Dept. of Health & Human Services)
90% of all homeless and runaway children.
70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (DOJ, Special Report)
85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders. (Source:Center for Disease Control).
80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger. (Source: Criminal Justice & Behavior, Vol. 14, p. 403-26).
71% of all high school dropouts. (Source: National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools).
75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers. (Source: Rainbows for all God`s Children).
85% of all youths sitting in prisons. (Source: Fulton Co. Georgia jail populations, Texas Dept. of Corrections
Many of these fathers can have no contact with their children though no fault of their own, yet often their children are told that "dad does not love them" which compounds the feeling of rejection.
ADULTS other then husbands and wives
Many adults feel rejected. Single adults feel it when they ask for a date and are turned down....or are not asked. We feel it when we are in a crowd and no one talks to us. The next time you are in a crowd, watch...watch to see how many are standing off by themselves...just waiting for someone to talk to them. Hoping, praying that someone will notice. The tragic fact, is often their are several doing the same thing...but they will not reach out to each other. Their fear of being rejected further is just too great.
Our society does not help matters any. We see ads showing the Mr. and Miss Americans having fun. MOST of us do not look anything like that. Our commercials place emphasis slim figures and macho men. This results in a poor self image for most of us. As a result, some become so worried about their weight they develop eating disorders. some life threatening Others fear rejection so much they gain excess weight so they will not be attractive to anyone.
Fashions play a role in rejection. Fashion is so over played that many will feel they can not compete because they can not afford the latest cloths or the newest cars. Why even the most sacred day in the year, Resurrection Sunday when we remember the LORD's resurrection is made into a fashion parade. GOD help us! Do you realize God essentially tells us not to do this?
1 My brethren, have not the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory, with respect of persons.
2 For if there come unto your assembly a man with a gold ring, in goodly apparel, and there come in also a poor man in vile raiment;
3 And ye have respect to him that weareth the gay clothing, and say unto him, Sit thou here in a good place; and say to the poor, Stand thou there, or sit here under my footstool:
4 Are ye not then partial in yourselves, and are become judges of evil thoughts?
5 Hearken, my beloved brethren, Hath not God chosen the poor of this world rich in faith, and heirs of the kingdom which he hath promised to them that love him?
6 But ye have despised the poor. Do not rich men oppress you, and draw you before the judgment seats?
7 Do not they blaspheme that worthy name by the which ye are called?
8 If ye fulfil the royal law according to the scripture, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself, ye do well:
9 But if ye have respect to persons, ye commit sin, and are convinced of the law as transgressors.
1 Peter 3
3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
We all have heard the "joke" be nice to your kids....they will chose the nursing home you will go to. The problem. all to often it is not a joke. Our elderly much like our children spend way to much time alone....forgotten. The sad part...is that most have so much to offer. When I was in high school, I really enjoyed visiting a elderly couple. They offered me more love then my own parents. They prayed with me...Listened to me...and thinking back, I think it was mutually helpful as they in turn felt wanted. they felt loved. Folks, our elderly have so much to offer. LISTEN to them. They have so many life rewarding stories to tell. stories that we would be well to listen to. Find out what they think of the changes in our world. What they think of so many things.
Another group that is prone to feelings of rejection are the HANDICAPPED.
FEELING THE REJECTION OF BEING HANDICAPPED:
In today's society sometimes we don't hear the word "handicapped" used too often. Many call it being physically challenged. Speaking from a personal point of view, I have no problem with the word handicapped because each of us are handicapped in one way or another. For me personally, I am physically handicapped. Now you may wonder what that was like growing up with braces, crutches and canes. They were all so much a part of my life that I knew nothing else. Along with all that came a lot of stares from people. Just imagine walking in a room and having every eye turn to watch you walk or try to walk. Imagine being a teenager and hoping you will get asked to the prom, but you never do because you walk with a limp and use a cane. Imagine as an adult you are in a wheelchair shopping and you try to reach an article on the shelves and you can't because you are limited in your wheelchair. Imagine you want to do an activity with your family and you get there and find you cannot participate because there are no handicapped facilities. Imagine being out shopping for something for yourself and the clerks direct all their talk to your family that is there with you and ignore you completely because you are in a wheelchair. It is at times like this that the feeling of "rejection" enters your mind. As a handicapped person, the most important thing we want is to have people treat us like everyone else. Don't feel you have to "walk on eggs" around us. Don't feel bad if you want to help and don't know what to do...ask us. And above all...don't ignore us. My handicap is something I had no control over, but my reaction to my handicap is something I can control and I choose to have a positive attitude.
Rejection is a stronghold satan uses to defeat us. We are all special in God's eyes!
Our returning Viet Nam vets have felt the sting of rejection. After serving their country not knowing if they would return alive, most did return...only to be cursed and spat on for these men not deciding to become and instant felon by dodging the draft. Along with this, these men would be ineligible to receive any federal grant or benefit. And I do say men as it is only men that have to worry about this rejection...but rejection it is. Many of these vets have never been able to overcome their own self rejection as a result of being rejected and called baby killers by society. Many have taken their own lives as a result.
I am sure there are many more groups that I have forgotten. BUT I am sure by now each one reading this has gotten the message....REJECTION is so powerful. Often when we feel rejected...we are then rejected by the person closest to us...OUR SELF.
When one has been rejected often enough, they tend to start believing that they are no good. That they are worthless. There is no feeling more horrible then thinking this. Yet we are seeing our society create these feelings again and again. ALL bashing jokes ...blonde, male, female, ethnic jokes. all jokes that use a person to get a laugh at that persons expense adds to self rejection for that individual. I see it in the ministry of Shattered Men (and this can work both ways) as so often these men get the idea that all men are evil because all they hear is how bad men is and our boys are being taught this every time a domestic violence commercial is on. We are being told how evil men are...not that it is a HUMAN problem. NOT a gender problem The facts are that abuse is equal opportunity. As many men are abused as are women and the abuser is equally male or female Yet the myth goes on making more feel rejected...and therefore hopeless. When this happens, we have people that have nothing to lose...they have lost everything already. Therefore, they often take their own life...but often they take the life of their wife and kids too. IS IT WORTH IT?
PLEASE....PLEASE KEEP READING...THE SOLUTION IS COMING ....THERE IS HOPE,. THERE IS HEALING....
BEFORE we get to the solution, there is one more person I want to point out WAS and IS rejected...
Isaiah 53:3 He is despised and rejected of men; a man
of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him;
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Mark 12:10 And have ye not read this scripture; The stone which the builders rejected is become the head of the corner:
The SON OF GOD was rejected by those closest to Him...His own apostles:
Matthew 26:48 Now he that betrayed him gave them a sign, saying, Whomsoever I shall kiss, that same is he: hold him fast.
(EVEN after this, JESUS was reaching out for Judas...reaching a hand of friendship and forgiveness...
Matthew 26:50 And Jesus said unto him, Friend, wherefore art thou come? Then came they, and laid hands on Jesus and took him.
My friend, whatever your rejection...JESUS was there. EVERYTHING YOU have gone through HE has too.
Oh but I was abused...HE was too. But oh...I was raped....My friend, that awful time you were raped...HE was with YOU my friend...being raped WITH You.
Hebrews 4:15 For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. I KNOW...I have been there too. I could not see it then...as a little boy but I can see it now...and I am now able to thank Him for it for if that had not occurred, I doubt if I would be writing this now. If it helps but ONE of you to find healing. it was worth it.
The apostles were rejected as were many of the men and women in the Bible. Oh we love to read the first several verses of Hebrews 11....By faith Abel offered unto God a more excellent sacrifice than Cain, or By faith Enoch was translated that he should not see death; and was not found, because God had translated him: for before his translation he had this testimony, that he pleased God. How about By faith Noah, being warned of God of things not seen as yet, moved with fear, prepared an ark to the saving of his house; by the which he condemned the world, and became heir of the righteousness which is by faith.
My friend we all want faith like that...but read on to verse 36 on:
These people were rejected. BUT they were blessed.
We have seen how Jesus has endured every abuse we have been subject to. Lets look at one of the most precious verses in all the Word of God.
John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
My friend, put YOUR name in place of "whosoever" that if (YOUR name) believes in Him....If you do this my friend God will NEVER Reject you. Lets look at some of what HE does when we trust in HIM:
Romans 8:17 And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.
WOW.. if we suffer with HIM...we will be glorified WITH HIM. Can it get any better then that?
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
36 As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus,
1 John 3:2 Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is.
My friend, I realize this has been a long message. It needed to be as complete and inclusive as possible but I do want to make one last point. IF you are feeling rejected and have NOT trusted Christ for salvation, these promises just posted above are to HIS people They are NOT written to you. You see, only those that have accepted Jesus Christ as full payment for sin have these promises. To not trust Him is to reject the Son of God. Often we can do it while we attend church every time the door is open.
Mark 7:9 And he said unto them, Full well ye reject the
commandment of God, that ye may keep your own tradition.
The SOLUTION for all the above my friend, is to have a right relationship with God. It can ONLY be obtained by following the instructions in this link. PLEASE click here and read it if You do not know for SURE you Have eternal life!
How to have eternal life
Once again my friend the leadership of this club here for you...far more important...JESUS is waiting....waiting for YOU, Please do not delay...do not let HIM move on.....PLEASE!
In reviewing this message, I found one
thing was not stress enough. This is regarding "Self rejection" Often when we
have been rejected for whatever reason, we will accept it and begin to reject
ourselves and oh we can often to a far better job of it.
I have seen people who say they believe the LORD has forgiven them but they have not been able to forgive themselves. One I remember well spent years in a psych hospital. His life was essentially ruined because of rejection, rejection he was doing to himself.
Others have messed up their life too. They have had a life of loneliness and despair. Thinking they were unworthy of anyone's care and affection. Every time someone reaches out to them to accept them, to love them, they will SABOTAGE each and every attempt. They will bite the hand that is offered to them. Often when something nice is said to them, they will attack the person saying it and that person will far too often retreat and not try again.
To those who read this that want to help, first of all please do not take these attacks personally. HURTING people are just like hurting animals. they tend to bite the hand offering help. When we retreat, satan will only add insult to injury and tell them "told you that you were no good...see they left too. they abandoned you and so has God"
Often these feelings of rejection are based on guilt. but it is not something they should feel guilty about. It is LOVE'S UNSEEN ENEMY
YES...we are ALL unworthy of God's love...BUT HE loves us as we are. We come to HIM JUST AS WE ARE and HE will clean us. As long as we are willing to listen, willing to do what HE wants, HE will make us in His image. The best part...we come to HIM UNWORTHY...and HE will make us WORTHY. When we trust Christ as savior, we are JOINT heirs with Christ and we become a child of the KING OF KINGS. How much more worthy can we get? Remember my friend, if God has forgiven us we need to forgive ourselves. If God has accepted us, we need to accept ourselves. To do any less is to say we know more then God...and HE knows all our deeds, and even our thoughts. There is nothing unknown about us to HIM...yet HE LOVES US...HE LOVES ME.,...HE LOVES YOU.....
Romans 8:17 And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.
Let's PULL DOWN STRONGHOLDS.
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JUNE is Domestic Violence Against Men Awareness Month