MARRIAGE...HIS DUTIES....HER DUTIES 

Shat  terd

Men 

The hidden half of domestic violence

How to have eternal life

MARRIAGE...HIS DUTIES....HER DUTIES 

I have attempted this post a couple of times. It has been on my heart for sometime. As you know, much of what we do here is off the board by e-mail and instant messenger.

I have had some tell me how others have provided a place to stay for one person as they were having problems in their marriage. This in the absence of abuse and I wonder if this action encouraged divorce. I do not know all the facts nor have I talked to the other side of this issue but I wonder. Yes in the presence of actual physical abuse, we may need to give the husband or the wife a place to stay for a cooling off period but we need to encourage and listen to BOTH side. We also may need to encourage them to see a marriage counselor for therapy.

We need however be very careful not to do things to break up a marriage that could possibly work out if we did not take sides. To prevent this, we need to point out the duties, rights and responsibilities of BOTH sides. I intend to do that in the next day or two.

Meanwhile I have talked to others that have expressed concerns to me too. This too will be addressed in the next day or two.

But to start out, remember even in the worst possible marriages right now. SOMETHING  was there to begin with. SOMETHING attracted you to your husband or wife. LOVE must have been there once upon a time. We will be exploring this area too.

HEALTHY, rewarding relationships are built on the following:

a strong sense of personal identity

a thriving self-esteem

a personal sense of purpose

the ability to commit to things outside oneself

mutual respect

good old fashion courage

We also need to remember, if we fail to address hurts from a previous relationship, and seek healing, we are destined to reply the pain again and again in future relationship. This applies to our present relationship too.

The right person can not and will not make our life complete. Once we have accepted that, we will be eligible for a happy, fulfilling relationship. When we say, "if this person needs me, I will be complete" we are reducing others to projects on our relationship resume.

Commitment looks toward a future that can not be seen, and promises to be there. This is what marriage is all about.

Marriage has been around since the Garden of Eden.

God has ordained certain systems of government from the beginning of human history. Marriage is the first and most basic forms of these.

Marriage is not something mankind made up but something GOD put in place:

Genesis 2
23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

Please note a few things. This first marriage took place very shortly after Eve's creation. It was the same day so there was no "shacking up" Of course, there was no engagement  period to see if they were right for each other, they knew without a doubt "THIS was the man...or woman God intended for them.

We also note that they were both naked. Being naked is not wrong for a husband and wife but it is odd that so many do not mind being in all states of undress in front of anyone other then their husband or wife. When SIN entered, we note a different story. They hid themselves from each other and from God.

My friend, sin does that today too. When sin enters our marriage, it causes us to hide ourselves from each other. It also taints our children. Many of our children have major problems in their marriage based on what they have seen in ours. We have these problems based on our parents marriage. This is why we are told that if our children grow up in an abusive home, they are likely to become abusers themselves. Unlike the secular side, we know this to be true for both men and women.

I for one happen to believe if our sons grow up seeing dad abused so often, he may well grow up to resent women in general. He certainly will have a self esteem problem as he will see men as something to be abused and after all, he is male too. Although some accept and look for this, many others compensate for this by wanting to dominate women. Could this be where the "MACHO" image comes from far too often?

Women too can either be dominate or passive when either parent is abused. satan will tell each of us the lie we will most likely believe.

It is time to expose these lies and reveal the plans GOD had for marriage from the beginning of time.

A man falls in love through his eyes. a woman through her ears.

Umm could this be why the cosmetic industry is so widespread?

Women are being told to be their own person. They are told to dress for themselves and not for their husband. Is this realistic? Like it or not, we all dress to please other people. As kids, we dress to please parents...ok ok mostly moms.. and as adults we do dress to please others. Why do people wear suits, nice dresses and shave or put on make up even if they are not married or they will not be around their spouse? Is it too much to ask to consider our spouse when dressing? This does apply to both husband and wife for when we get to scripture later down this road, we will see this.

Women do dress mostly to look attractive to men. Men "sweet talk" women every day. Seems like we all know this opening statement...so why do we forget it after we are married.

How often do we joke about "the old hag"? Does this want to make our wife stay in love with us?

Ladies, how often does you husband come home to curlers and robes? Is this the "sight" he fell in love with?

No I am not saying we need to look like we are going to the prom every day..but lets keep some good old fashion ROMANCE in our marriages.

For those whose marriage is on the rocks... remember those dating days. Recreate them. Do the things you use to do...LISTEN to the other person. Compliment them when you can do so honestly but LOOK for something to do so.

Go for a walk in the park, or on the beach or even sit in the yard. DO SOMETHING to make your husband or wife feel like he or she is the ONLY person that matters...for other then the LORD...you husband or wife SHOULD be first place in your heart. Our children come AFTER our wife or husband but we both need to make sure we EACH put our needs aside to assure our kids needs are met but after that, the BEST thing I can do for my children...is to LOVE MY WIFE. Ladies, the best thing YOU can do is to LOVE YOUR HUSBAND.

Our Children NEED to see that in their parents for our children NEED BOTH PARENTS.

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him. Genesis 2:18

I believe this applies to women too. Brenda posted a very good article in Message 5363 called
OVERCOMING LONELINESS. God made humans to be social beings. MARRIAGE was instituted shortly after Adam and Eve was created. In fact, it was the very day Eve was formed from Adams rib. Most of us have heard why it was a rib, not the skull or a foot or toe. God wanted men and women to be as equal as possible yet as different as night and day. Apples and oranges are both good, both needed but they can never be "equal" Both have many of the same functions.. such as making a great juice and being used just as they are for snacks. Not too sure I would want orange pie however. The point being is men and women DO have different GOD ordained functions. In the next few days ahead, we will be exploring these functions carefully...His duties, Her duties. We will also explore the best we can, the privileges of each. Now for tonight, I have left my notes home so I am speaking off the cuff...or I guess we can say, from my heart. These will be posted on the web site also.

I feel some may need to hear this before I can get back home and get my notes so here goes.

Marriage is the basic building block of human intervention. It is to consist of a MAN and a WOMAN who are joined together before God and vow to each other and to God that they will join together as ONE FLESH. It is not a contract, it is a covenant. A covenant is much stronger then a contract.

Is it not odd that many animals mate for life. Many times if one animal is injured the other will stay with it and place itself in danger to protect the injured mate. Yet, our society through no fault divorce as said we do not need to. Often with some people, our divorce laws are such a joke that they are just legally shacking up. They marry, get a divorce and within weeks are living and sleeping with another man or woman. Oh, they get the "license" but that is just a matter of formality. GOD is not pleased with this in the least. Lets look at why God instituted marriage.

First, Marriage is a type. It gives a valuable insight into our relationship with GOD

Israel is the bride of Jehovah. The "church" is the bride of Christ. A husband and wife is to have a very similar relationship as Israel should have had with Jehovah and the church with Christ. Yet, we find the both straying so often from their groom.

Many times, when the bride strayed, it was likened as unto adultery. The sin of adultery was punishable by death. Many times the nation of Israel worshiped false gods. We all now about the golden calf. We know about Balm and the other gods. Oh how it must have hurt GOD so much to have done so much for HIS bride to have her reject HIM time after time. Many of YOU know about this all too well. Today we many well say why did not Israel learn from their mistakes?

Each time we stray from our LORD JESUS Christ WE do the same thing. We are going after a false god. It may be our job, our cars, our possessions or even our family. ANYTHING we place BEFORE JESUS CHRIST is a false god. It could even be our church or even our ministry IF we do not do it HIS way.

adultery is a very serious offense. Anytime we stray from our husband or wife, we take the very real risk of bringing back a DEADLY disease to them. Oh yea, what is that I heard, I use "protection" I practice "safe sex" Hogwash. The ONLY safe sex is between a husband and his wife with both being fully faithful to each other. This is best done with BOTH being virgins on their honeymoon night.

Did you know it has been said that anytime you sleep with another woman not your wife, another man not your husband, you are actual going to bed with every man or woman they have been with the last several years? Oh do not count on condoms to protect you. The pores in condoms are 50 times larger then the aides virus. Umm rather, like using a screen door as an outer hatch on a submarine.

This is to say nothing about the heart ache ladies of when your doctor says "you are pregnant" and you know it is not your husbands. or you have to wonder "Is it?" MEN, how about it when that pretty filly you have been having a fling with says "I am pregnant"? IS IT WORTH IT? Are a few moments pleasure worth all this heartache?

I think NOT. In our next session, we will explore WHY many people have affairs.

meanwhile, the other reason for marriage is to protect. When we honor marriage as God intended, not only are our children protected from the trauma of seeing their mom and dad divorce...and the guilt of thinking THEY caused it...but WE are protected too. Our prayers are hindered if we do not have a right relationship with God. We will be covering this in detail later also.

BTW, you think divorce is hard on our kids until they grow up? Think again. Divorce hurts our kids for up to 50 YEARS or more down the road. It affects their self worth. It affect their relationship with their husband or wife and they are far more likely to see divorce as a way out rather then work on a troubled marriage.

Is it any wonder why GOD HATES DIVORCE?

MY LORD...HELP US! forgive us for our adultery when WE have strayed from YOU. Forgive us for not honoring OUR part of our marriage with our wife...or our husband. For looking for love in places we have no business looking.

My LORD...please hear the cries of so many shattered men...so many shattered women here in this club that are pleading with You to help restore their marriage.

Thank YOU for Your help with yet another difficult message for Shattered Men and Women.

LORD, mend the broken hearts, the broken pieces and make life worth the living once again...BECAUSE YOU LIVE!

Thanks Daddy....I LOVE YOU!

Before starting this section, I want to make one thing perfectly clear...NO PLACE... and I mean NO PLACE can I find anything in the Bible that excuses US from doing what GOD wants if someone else does not do their part.

I can not say, that since my wife does not do what God tells women to do, I do not have to do what HE tells me as a husband to do.

Women, you can not say since your husband does not do "his" part, you do not have to do your...

We EACH are called to do what GOD has told US to do regardless of what anyone else does.

Before we begin this section, I want everyone to read...REALLY read what the Bible says about marriage. Pay attention to little words...words like therefore...ask what it is there for. It goes back to something previous. Find out what.

Ephesians 5

22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body.
24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.


1 Peter 3
1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.


Romans 7
2 For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband.
3 So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man.


(note this applies BOTH ways.) We will be discussing what GOD expects after we say "I DO"

Let's go back and pick up some scripture from the previous section:

Ephesians 5: 22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

I have been in marriage workshops..."Christian" ones in which they said we do not teach submission any more because it is misunderstood too much. I asked if we get to throw other parts of the Bible out because we do not understand it.

Now I do want to make sure it is perfectly clear that submission does NOT mean SLAVE. Actually, if I love my wife, I would not want her to be my slave...but to be my Queen.

Also note that this does not tell women to submit to any man...but to their own husband.

I have had others tell me they teach "co-submission" But is that Biblical?

Let's look:

Ephesians 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

Umm if the wife is co-submissive...is the "church co-submissive to Christ?

Oh but you say...that only applies to "spiritual things. Oh yes a wife is to submit "spiritually"

Umm again let's check the Word of God...

24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. What was that word...in everything?

Don't snicker men...our turn is coming. Ladies if you came here to say Shattered Men is one sided...do not use just this post without the other posts that will be following. Anyone can prove anything if they take things out of context.

What does submission mean? Well we do know it does not mean slave, although many think that. The church is submissive to JESUS CHRIST, yet the LORD allows the church wide freedom to do things Christ does not want it to do...but it DOES cost..it cost fellowship with our LORD. Can a marriage do the same thing? I think it can.

I for one have at times spent too much time being busy...too busy to spend time with my wife. It could be spending too much time on the computer...oh a very worthy cause..but at what price... it could be by spending too much time with the kids even and not enough time with our husband or wife..or taking care of OUR jobs around the house.

I mentioned in an earlier post that a husband and wife should act as if the other one is the only person in the world...to do things that will spark that romance.

Guys get a nice romantic card for your wife...better yet, make one. it works.

Ladies, do that something special your husband use to enjoy before you stopped doing it.

We all have a need to be wanted...a need to hear I LOVE YOU! Our LORD has loved us with an unconditional  love...written in RED.

Is it not time to whisper "I love you" to your husband? To your wife?

Got more to say on this but I have to get to work.... God bless...

Instead of trying to make someone into the ideal partner, pour your energies into making yourself a better person. Erica Formm stated "If I am attached to another person because I can not stand on my own two feet, he or she may be a life saver, but the relationship is not one of love.

We have talked some of the call for a wife to be submissive to her husband. In this feminist society, many will laugh at that idea and perhaps some of you. If you are a woman reading this, you will not have to look hard to find a "counselor" that will give you permission to not submit...after all this is the 2000's and that is old fashion. Well, who ya going to listen to? GOD or humans? If you did not like what was said so far....wait til we get to 1 Peter.

Meanwhile, men...we are not off the hook. Being the head of the home does not make us "master" and our wife a slave. First of all, real LOVE would not want that. Ladies, if you think being the head of the home is a picnic, think again. It does involve greater responsibility and thus a higher accountability. The BIBLE tells us that our prayers can be hindered if we do not have our homes in order. We will cover this too.

What does it mean to be the head of the home? It certainly does not mean we are a dictator. Think of a well run organization or business. The CEO or president is the head of the business but he delicates much of the chores to others. The people he delicates these things to are submissive to the CEO but that does not mean they are inferior or less a person then the CEO.

The BEST CEO's let it be known what the goals of the company are, and they allow the others to meet those goals in their own way. They do this by meeting and discussing these goals.

In much the same way, a husband and wife should communicate what the goals are and work toward a solution to meet those goals. It is doubtful that when asked why we are doing something a specific way that "because I am the head of the house and I said so..." is the best reason for doing something. Is it not possible our wife, or even our children could have a better idea? Could our demand that we do it "my" way be more an issue of "pride" then not? A good CEO will listen to suggestions about alternative ways to come to a common goal and will often take those suggestions.

We BOTH need to learn to accept constructive suggestions  without thinking it is an attack on our value as a person. We also need to learn how to offer it without making it sound like it is.

If I were to come to you and say "Man that is the stupidest thing you have come up with yet..." YES it will get your dander up and rightly so. Would it not be better to say...Honey, It does look like you have put a lot of time into.....but have you thought about..... (well I guess it would not be better for me to come to YOU and say "honey")

We EACH have a need to feel wanted...to feel important to someone and especially that someone special. When that need is not met, problems WILL occur and believe me...No one will be happy.

Most of all, Our LORD.

Men, too often we marry because the girl we dated was a great cook. She kept a spotless house and we thought for sure she would be a terrific housekeeper, mom who would have the kids spit polished for school and for church on Sunday morning, would have all the wash done, the dished and house clean, and supper ready when we got home after meeting us looking like she just came out of the beauty salon with our slippers and a class of soda.

Ladies, did you think this guy is great...but there is room for improvement. wait till we get married and then.....

When a man meets a women he thinks " man , she is great I hope she never changes "....but a woman thinks " he's great but I think I can change what I don't like"

Well guys.. she will change. and gals...what you see is what you gets...

Back to the perfect home guys... Bet you want her to work on top of all this? Well guys...remember OUR example is JESUS CHRIST. We are to love our wife AS Christ loved the Church.

What does this mean? When we think of Christ, what are some words that come to mind? ummmm keep going. it starts with a "S"....no not ahh what is that ...S E R V A N T? Yes Christ was a servant as much as HE was the Master. HE SERVED the church. Now remember coming from my background and the problem I was getting into (see ken's story on the web site) I had to ask...where does servant stop...and slave begin? Servant is good....slave no good.. but perhaps it is when I do things to help my wife that she does not "expect" nor think I should have to do? When it becomes a "chore" it is no longer serving. This make sense?

Many of our families have had the romance go out of their marriages a long time ago. Think back and remember what drew you to your wife, your husband to begin with... and do some of those things once again. Go for a walk holding hands....Men open the door for your wife....women...do not get out of the car immediately after it stops...allow him time to come around to open it...but give him a clue first...tell hubby "honey remember when we were dating you opened the door for me...I really enjoyed that...it made me feel special..."

Guys. let your wife know how special she is to you...it will not be long until she is making you feel special too....

Well....maybe both sides will have to recover from the shock to begin with...but it will be worth it....

MY LORD... We are standing in the need of prayer...prayer for our homes. our kids and our husbands and wife... PLEASE My LORD. rekindle the flames of love...of romance in the husbands an wife of Shattered Men. Restore the lost love ...and most of all, restore our love for YOU.

Help us my Lord to put YOU first, our husband or our wife next and our children immediately after that...Help us to realize PEOPLE are more important then THINGS... Lord there is so much more to say...and we ask for YOUR guidance as we say them. For those that are being abused...we know that is not your will...we ask that YOU turn the heart of the abuser around...that we look beyond their fault and see their need..and that as we do so...YOU will meet our need.

For those homes that are breaking up...that divorce seems imminent...restore these marriages LORD...bind satan and his demons on every turn and block the attempts to destroy these homes. Build a hedge around these families satan can not pass. My LORD.. if any one does not KNOW YOU as savior...help them to realize NO relationship will prosper with out YOU....

We ask this in the name of JESUS......

I feel it is time to address a very important topic. S E X. I have heard feminist scream. ITS MY BODY...and if I do not want to give my husband sex, I do not have to. IS it "your" body?

Husband can do the same thing. but is it "his" body? Now mind you, the world will say yes. I have seen feminist abuse sites which declare if a woman does not want to have sex and her husband coerce her to, it is rape. But then some feminist will even say any sex any woman has with any man it rape. 

I have seen these same sites say that if the woman wants sex and he does not. that is abuse too since it is using sex to control Umm why is it abuse when he want it and she does not and it is still abusing her if he does not and she does? (I can find many sites that say this)  DOUBLE standards are NOT Gods way for HE has the same standard for all... ALL have sinned and come short of the Glory of God....

http://www.shatterdmen.com/feminist_agenda.htm

Now listen good.. WHO are we listening to...man (or woman) or GODS WORD?

Proverbs 16:25 There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death. 

Lets see what God says about this topic,

1 Corinthians 7

1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.
2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

note verse 4....husbands. your body is not yours...it is your wife's. 
wife's your body is not your body. it is your husbands. Now this being said REMEMBER that we are to treat our husband or our wife with the utmost respect. God forbids us to defile the temple of God (1 Cor. 3:16-17)

Lets notice some things in these verses. The sex drive is very powerful. I do believe it is intensified wrongly by our society's expectation. The Kinsey report manipulated stats to make it seem like everyone was doing it and they were not. Our society gets our boys to believe they should be sex starved and they fall for it. They get our girls to believe they should "put out" to "fit in" and they buy it. 

Our schools think ABSTINENCE is a dirty word...but read this and see if it is..

WHAT ABOUT ABSTINENCE

http://www.shatterdmen.com/Abstinence.htm

Now is it not odd that our society thinks teenagers should have sex and our married couples should abstain? Wonder who is behind this? 

Folks... again the sex drive is one of the most powerful drives in humans. It is intended ONLY to be satisfied by a husband and his wife. Now IF a man does not satisfy his wife...if she does not satisfy his needs. they is it not more tempting to look somewhere else to meet these needs. NO NO NO NO...it is not right...but it happens...far to often it happens. PLEASE listen for this is not easy to write. Far to many even look to their CHILDREN to meet these needs and I ABHOR THAT. There IS NO Excuse. NO I am not saying all child molesters are denied satisfaction by their husband or wife..(and believe me there are far more female child molesters that we realize) But I do think it could well be a factor that we need to consider.  I have talked to some women who were molested by their father or step father and their mother gave them to the man so they would not be bothered    This is still NO EXCUSE.  IT IS SIN AND IT IS A CRIME.   Please remember, I too have been raped as  a child so I KNOW  the damage it does to a child.  Believe me ....I KNOW!

Folks satan is trying to break up our homes. he will use ANY means possible to do this. SEX is a very powerful means for God to show HIS love to a husband and wife. for HE invented sex. Or it can be a powerful tool for evil. 

Sex is not the only thing that can drive a man or a woman into the arms of another person. But it is right up there on top the list. I will cover some of the other things later. 

Note 1 Cor 7:2 tells us to get married to avoid sexual sin...this shows marriage should come BEFORE SEX

Verse 4:  "The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife."

Again this does NOT give an excuse to mistreat your husband or wife.,  We are to do EVERYTHING IN LOVE.    (1 Cor. . 13) and also  remember JESUS CHRIST is our example,  WE ...men and women are to model our life after HIM.  JESUS NEVER FORCES ANYONE TO DO ANYTHING. AND HE STILL DOES NOT.   Personally, I would not WANT to have sex with someone that did not WANT me.   Ladies... is your husband impotent?  Does he have problems getting and maintaining an erection?   Have you been cold and distant?    Could this be a possible reason why he is having those problems?   MEN...does you wife just lay there ... wanting you to get it over?    Does she feel you just "want to get off"?   

PLEASE  listen... SEX was intended to be wonderful  and beautiful and not just a mechanical act.  It was intended to be emotional and Spiritual at the same time.    If a person feels they are being used as a sex object. the enjoyment will not be there... most likely they will not be able to respond as you need him or her to  respond.   

SEX can be postponed but lets look at the only Biblical reason to say NO...

Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

UMM Prayer and FASTING... guess there would not be an overweight problem in many of our homes would there?    Of course many would be on wind alert to have to tie cinder blocks to their body if  a wind was blowing. 

Again LISTEN GOOD... this does NOT give a man or a woman a right to DEMAND Sex.    Romans tells us to forfeit our rights...to yield them to others..

A child of God is to die to self  BUT should our spouse expect us to do ALL they dying?  Should WE expect our husband or wife to do all the dying?  

ONE MORE TIME... the ONLY way we can have a right relationship with our husband or wife...is to have a right relationship with GOD FIRST.

PLEASE READ:  

The First Step Toward Better Relationships

http://www.shatterdmen.com/first_step.htm

We the leadership of Shattered Men are here to help you. but if things have progressed this far... you may need to see an counselor in person...and preferably with your spouse.    Please check this site to find a Christian Counselor in your area. 

www.nanc.org  or www.iabc.net

"There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death" Please read all of this section. I have done my very best to get the Word of God in this. I have seen too very often that many if not most counselors and church leaders will actually encourage divorce in abusive situations. I can only wonder if the "human" is not getting in the way of really believing that GOD knows best. I also wonder if our society does not make them fear law suits and other legal action. This being said, I remind you that this from my heart and what I firmly believe to be GOD's Word. I am not a license counselor and I will NOT tell any of you what you should or should not do. THAT is between YOU and GOD and God alone. I do urge you to prayerfully read this and ask God what HE would have you do.

I have often heard it said that all you have said is well and good if both are Christians but what if one is not...does that not change things?

Lets look to God's Word for the answers.

1 Peter 3
1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

Please note, these verses start out..."likewise"
This tells us that this refers to something else and we need to pay attention to that to find out what it is. In verse one it says essential for a wife to be in subjection to her own husband just as... but just as what? What is the example? Well to find out we have to go back to the previous chapter. I urge you to do this...and if you do not have a Bible, here is one that is on line to use:

http://bible.gospelcom.net/

The two biggest problems in our homes today are a combination of two things. Men who will not lead...and women who will not submit. This is compounded by men who try to lead but the wife will not submit and by women who try to submit to a husband that will not lead. Again has we have said before, submission does not mean slave and ladies, please remember Godly leadership is essential for a well balanced home and your husband will be held at a higher accountability then will you. This however is balanced by the fact that if a wive willfully resist and challenges her husbands’ leadership she will be held accountable before God for being a stumbling block. Actually if the husband refuses to be a leader, or the wife refuses to follow his leadership, they are not fighting each other...but they are fighting GOD. I do pray that we will be able to address what we should do if a husband will not lead or a wife will not follow. To be honest, at this time I have no answers to that. I trust GOD HE will show us HIS answer.
 

For those who would argue "but my husband is not saved. so this does not apply to me...

Look at verse 1 again: "that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;"

It would seem this verse is talking about an unsaved husband. It also suggest what could happy if we do things GOD's  way..."they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;"

Great rewards often come at the expense of great sacrifice. What are YOU willing to do to see your unsaved husband accept Christ? Note also, that this was accomplished "without the word" for our actions speak much louder then our words.

Ladies, can your husband SEE JESUS in YOU?

MEN: We are not off the hook here either. Many of us have unsaved wives. Are our prayers for them being blocked? They can be...

1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

If we do not honor our wives, do not expect prayer to be answered. Think of what honor means MEN...if your wife is not saved. what are YOU willing to do to see her accept Christ?

Lets look at some more of 1 Peter 3:

8 Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous:
9 Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.
10 For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile:
11 Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it.
12 For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil.
13 And who is he that will harm you, if ye be followers of that which is good?
14 But and if ye suffer for righteousness' sake, happy are ye: and be not afraid of their terror, neither be troubled;

Look at verse 9...are we returning evil for evil? Are we not told to love our enemy...even if that enemy is our wife...our husband?

Do you know the best way to get rid of an enemy  is to make them your friend? At one time, our wife, our husband must have been our friend...what happened? Can we not go back and explore what went wrong? To recapture that romance? To rekindle that flame?

It is important to note some other things.

ALL abuse is wrong...it is SIN. We need to remember that what is abuse if a man does it to a woman is also abuse if a woman does it to a man. This works both ways. It is important to note also that the term "mental abuse" is tossed around way to freely. I have seen sites stating that if a man asked questions about where money was spent, it is mental abuse. Like if he controls the check book. it is abuse. Well if he did not control it..who would? Would not that be abuse too? Perhaps the best solution would be for both husband and wife to plan a budget together?

Although I firmly believe the Bible only allows divorce for ONE reason only...adultery ..and that is "allows" not demands...I do want to make something clear...PHYSICAL ABUSE IS SIN.

In the case of physical abuse....I remind you that Paul was beaten many times for proclaiming the Gospel, yet we have seen times when he was beaten, thrown out of the city and he got up and was ready to go BACK to that city and he was STOPPED by his co workers. Although I do not believe the Bible gives abuse as a grounds for divorce DO BELIEVE GOD ALLOWS SEPARATION

I think it would be wise for a cooling off period and to seek professional help.

1 Peter 2:

13 Submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake: whether it be to the king, as supreme;
14 Or unto governors, as unto them that are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers, and for the praise of them that do well.
15 For so is the will of God, that with well doing ye may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men:
16 As free, and not using your liberty for a cloke of maliciousness, but as the servants of God.

GOD does allow for legal remedies for abuse. However, please remember our legal system is very biased now. Once any action is taken in this regard, it will be out of your hands and this price too may be higher then you intend.

PLEASE pray about any action you take. PLEASE also remember that BOTH men and women are physically abused and both men and women actually have their life at risk. GOD is NOT pleased with this...but remember, in most places men do not have a place to go to escape physical abuse. The few places that do...it is limited to a few days and they can not bring their children to protect them.

Again, God does not "want" any of us to be abused...but please read the scripture carefully and see what God wants YOU to do.

We will be posting more on this later.

One last note for now... False accusations are very common in marriage now. Especially when one party is thinking of a divorce. With the Violence Against Women Act, it is even profitable for women to falsely accuse a husband of abuse to either themselves or to their children. It will assure they keep the house and almost everything else...BUT the Word of GOD does address this.

1 Peter 3:
16 Having a good conscience; that, whereas they speak evil of you, as of evildoers, they may be ashamed that falsely accuse your good conversation in Christ.
17 For it is better, if the will of God be so, that ye suffer for well doing, than for evil doing.
18 For Christ also hath once suffered for sins, the just for the unjust, that he might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh, but quickened by the Spirit:
19 By which also he went and preached unto the spirits in prison;
20 Which sometime were disobedient, when once the longsuffering of God waited in the days of Noah, while the ark was a preparing, wherein few, that is, eight souls were saved by water.
21 The like figure whereunto even baptism doth also now save us (not the putting away of the filth of the flesh, but the answer of a good conscience toward God,) by the resurrection of Jesus Christ:
22 Who is gone into heaven, and is on the right hand of God; angels and authorities and powers being made subject unto him.


There are other places that speak of a lying tongue (Proverbs 6:17 26:8)

I am presently out of time to address this fully but I will be addressing this in detail in the next post.

LORD, HEAR our cries to thee...heal the broken hearts and broken homes represented here today...

Please read

Separation

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