terdShat terd
Men
The hidden half of domestic violence
Inside A ‘Batterers Program’ for ‘Abused’ Women
By Nev Moore
Women Violating Women
When Hillary Clinton says it takes a "village" to raise a child, does
this mean that snooping, nosey ,prying and gossipy people will be surrounding
all of us – snoopers who are employees of the state with the power of police?
This woman wonders. I was forced by DSS to attend a "support group"
for abused women, against my will. Or else I would never see my daughter again.
That is what they told me. I was required to report every week to the
Independence House, Hyannis, although it’s supposedly for women who seek their
help. It’s run primarily by volunteers who are not counselors, therapists, or
psychologists. They are all former battered women. Yet my DSS "service
plan" stated that I had to attend for "treatment."
The meetings were held behind closed doors. I can’t possibly express how much
I hated and resented being in that room. The women were, in general, obsessive,
neurotic, and vengeful. At the beginning of each meeting they went around the
room and each woman was supposed to say a "brag" for the week. I did
not want to participate in this childish game.
The first week I was there, one woman’s "brag for the week" was that
she’d had an abortion. Her DSS worker
had suggested that she talk about it. Regardless of whether you are pro-choice
or pro-life, most people would agree this is a sad, intimate and private act,
certainly not a "brag of the week" in a roomful of strangers.
There was a volunteer facilitator and a confidentiality notice was read at the
start of each meeting. It said that women did not have to talk if they didn’t
want to. Whatever you said in the room was strictly confidential and would not
leave the room.
It Was Repulsive I found it repulsive. And yet this is where I was ordered to go
for "treatment" to "raise my self-esteem." Some women had
been away from their ex’s for six to eight years, yet continued to go to the
meetings. It was like their victim hood was an all encompassing identity. They
were addicted to being a "victim" so people would feel sorry for them.
Many said that although their husbands never actually abused or controlled them,
they didn’t always agree with them. So that was abusive. Many other women
said, "I never knew I was being abused until I came to Independence
House." [Hmmm…]
One woman
who was not being abused, but I guess was just lonely, would often talk for the
entire two hours. She was very loud and aggressive, constantly interrupting
others. She told us that she was taking night courses, and her (male) teacher
had asked her to stop interrupting and dominating the classroom. She proudly
told us that she called him at his home and informed him in no uncertain terms
that he had verbally abused her. It was easy to understand why she was lonely.
The support group was like a social club for her, where she had a hostage
audience.
There were other women who were, as my teenagers say, right off-the-loop. They
were so intense and obsessive that they frightened me. Some would rock on the
floor and wail, or curl into a fetal position and cry loudly throughout the
meeting. One wanted to go to court and get a court order to have her ex
sterilized so that he could never have children with another woman. Another
(divorced from her ex) wanted to know where his P.O. box was.
The women got all excited, jumping up and down, and yelling out: "Follow
him," "Watch him," and "Pay someone to follow him." I
believe if men do this it’s called "stalking.’ I felt like I was
trapped in the piranha tank at feeding time. On other nights, the group would be
in depression mode, weeping and wailing. I don’t mean to sound harsh and
unsympathetic, but I did not want to be held hostage in a room listening to
other peoples’ problems. It was depressing and distasteful. At times when I
was bored to the point I thought I was going to start crying, I would take out
my wallet and make out my grocery list on a scrap of paper. The facilitator told
me that wasn’t allowed because I might be taking notes on what the women were
saying. This is an accurate insight to the paranoia, negativity, and
suspiciousness that pervades Independence House.
Making Money. I realized that I never heard a facilitator encourage a woman to
heal and move on with her life. They encouraged women to stay stuck in the
victim mentality. I realized that, if women move on, they would no longer be
clients. Each woman is worth many dollars to DSS and to Independence House. The
more clients – the more funding dollars.
Every week I received calls from our DSS supervisor, Larry Vadeboncoeur,
chastising me for my "attitude" at the support group. He told me in a
meeting at DSS that I would not get my child back until my attitude changed and
I "processed my issues" and "did my stuff." What
"stuff" was never identified, even after repeated requests from me for
clarification. After all, I don’t have a degree in psychology, so I don’t
understand these professional terms, like "client needs to do her
stuff."
When I told Mr. Vadeboncoeur what went on in the meetings and that they
were terribly depressing and distasteful, he snapped, "That is not what
goes on at Independence House!" I didn’t "share much" in the
meetings because I felt nothing in common with the group. I said that I was
forced to be there against my will and they needed to remove the word
"Independence" from their title and stop handing out mugs that said:
"Independence: the Freedom to make your own choices."
When I couldn’t stand the breast-beating victim dance any more, I would offer
small pieces of input. My feeling is that, if the guy was that bad, then good
riddance to bad rubbish. By sitting in these groups forever, rehashing abuse,
real or perceived, a woman keeps the wounds open and allows the man to still
have power over her.
Each week I continued to get chastised by the DSS supervisor, Larry Vadeboncoeur,
for my poor attitude and "not accepting the message." I was, much
later, to read in my DSS file that, if they forced me to attend those meetings,
I would "relate to" and "form a bond" with the women there.
(Translation: accept the indoctrination and embrace my victim hood.)
It Was ‘Confidential’ I began to wonder how what I was saying behind closed
doors at a confidential support group in Hyannis was finding its way to a DSS
supervisor in an office in Yarmouth. On two occasions I spoke with one of the
directors at Independence House, Natalie Dupres. I told her that DSS was using
the fact that I did not want to attend her meetings to keep my child from coming
home. Ms. Dupres assured me that they never called or spoke to DSS. She said,
even with a release from a client, they could only verify attendance and
participation. They would "never disclose the content of what is discussed
in a support group." She added, "You know what DSS is like,"
inferring that DSS was making it up. The only problem with this was that DSS was
repeating, verbatim, what I actually was saying behind closed doors, including
things that I deliberately fed into the group discussion just to see if they
made their way back to me. They did. Ms. Dupres was never actually present in
the support group meetings, which means that the group facilitators had been
instructed to report back what I said in meetings.
The fact that I did not want to be there, and found the meetings boring and
repulsive just increased my resentment and antagonism. But, with our child held
hostage, I would have done anything that anyone ordered me to do.
Eventually, Independence House decided that they did not want me there informing
the other women that they were primarily funded by DSS and that what the women
said in the group could be reported back to DSS and used against them. At that
point DSS decided that I had "processed my issues" as far as I was
going to. So I was released from my enforced obligation to attend. The funding
they received because I was attending was not worth having their little secrets
exposed.
Our weekly schedule of mandated "tasks" for my husband and me included
individual counseling for each of us, "angry man" classes for my
husband, parenting classes at Independence House, random urine screens and three
AA meetings a week for my husband, a weekly supervised visit at the DSS office,
plus court days and meetings at the DSS office.
Nev Moore is President of Justice for Families, a group she founded to help
parents who have problems with the DSS. They can be reached at (508) 362-6921 or
P.O. Box 141, Barnstable, MA 02630.
NOTE: if this is a woman's view...think of a man that is forced to go through
this feminist style indoctrination. It does more harm then good yet we never
hear about a men's advocate anywhere. We need to address this issue from BOTH
SIDES and not as a gender issue. BOTH men and women are violent and abusive with
each other...it is not a gender issue but a people issue.. it is SIN.
KEN
More
Families In DSS . . . More $$ For Everyone Unhealthy relationship between DSS
and domestic violence Industry
By Nev Moore
Two thirds of the funding to Independence House in Hyannis comes from DSS,
channeled through the state Department of Public Health, while the other comes
from private and corporate donations.
Therefore, Independence House is dependent on DSS for survival, and, therefore,
beholden to DSS as the hand that feeds them. They quickly learned from their
mentors, who are pros at it, that if you pad your client roster by coercing
unwilling clients, you fight your way to a better position on the "funders"
food chain.
Last year the Dept. of Public Health cut $350,000 of funding to Independence
House due to complaints by women. Senator Henri Rauschenbach got it reinstated.
The relationship between DSS and Independence House (and its sister
organizations around the state) is unhealthy and symbiotic.
Because DSS has allowed the battered women’s "advocates" to trade in
their rusty VW buses for new Lexuses (that is literally true for some women who
work at Independence House), greed has replaced integrity and an honest desire
to help other women. They work together to dramatically increase their client
statistics. When the support groups report women’s conversations back to DSS,
this information is used to charge the mothers with neglect, for
"allowing" their children to be exposed to "domestic
violence."
In court, DSS claims the women have "poor judgment" when it goes to
court to terminate their parental rights. The proof? The fact that the women
attended the battered women’s center for services – even though they were
ordered to go by DSS. As further "proof" DSS will use the restraining
orders that they forced the women to get.
Although I was coerced to attend by DSS, some of the women come voluntarily for
help. The battered women’s groups basically pimp clients for DSS in return for
money. They are patronizing and condescending to their clients (not to mention
deceptive). Women are coerced into accepting their cultist indoctrination via
the use of threats, intimidation and fear of losing their children. In fact,
they employ all the methods and behaviors that are considered abuse and control
if committed by the women’s husbands or boyfriends.
Independence House and its sister organizations provide DSS with additional
clients. The women’s groups get more money, and DSS gets more state and
federal money. They both are artificially inflating their numbers. They inflate
the domestic violence statistics this way and through the use of coerced
restraining orders. By artificially inflating the domestic violence statistics
they are able to create political hysteria – leading to more funding.
Women are ordered to leave their husbands, even in the complete absence of real
domestic violence or abuse. They are ordered to never let the fathers see their
children, or DSS will charge the woman with neglect, again. Women are ordered to
leave their homes and to sever contact with their mates. They then discover
that, in order to get shelter, housing, food stamps, Medicaid, or cash benefits,
they must claim to be victims of domestic violence to get a priority. Women are
told they must do this to keep their children or to get them back if DSS already
has them.
The "Freedom to make your own choices" means the choices they
want you to make. The choices that will benefit them financially.
How Did We End Up In DSS?
Government intervention turns to harassment By Nev Moore
Thirteen months after my husband drank too much one night and with no problems
of any kind after that incident, the social worker, Kathy Marciante, and Sue
Ash, the domestic violence "expert," showed up while I was working in
my garden in May 1997.
I was very surprised to see them as I had not seen or heard from any DSS social
worker in a couple of months, so I didn’t even think that we were still
involved with DSS. The two women, in deadly serious tones, told me that I had to
pack a few things in a bag, and that I and my children would have to go with
them to an "undisclosed location."
After the shock wore off, I believe I burst out laughing. I felt as if I had
just slipped into a "B" spy movie. The two women would not elaborate
on their request, but kept adamantly insisting that I leave my home with them.
They informed me that I would not be able to contact anybody or allow anyone to
know where I was. I kept asking them why they were here, but I didn’t get an
answer. They said that if I didn’t go with them, they would have to consult
with their legal department about removing the children. My 16-year old son told
them that they were ludicrous and there was absolutely no reason for them to be
there. He also told them that our daughter was very close to us and clingy, and
that it would deeply traumatize her to take her away from us and her home.
By this time the little one was home from school. She was very frightened and
hid behind me. Eventually, I became angry and ordered them off my property,
suggesting that they go down to a well-known crack neighborhood where they were
needed.
Our daughter was too frightened to go to school the next day. We sat her down
and told her that we loved her and would never, ever allow anyone to take her
away. The following day they snatched her from her classroom. It was weeks
before we saw her again.
It was four months before we were able to get a hearing before a judge in
Barnstable Juvenile Court. We had 29 continuances before our case was heard. It
was 13 months before our daughter returned to her home.
A Year of Snooping It had all started the previous spring after my husband spent
a night of drinking with a buddy and assaulted me outside of our home. A
passerby called 911 on their car phone. Our children weren’t present or
involved, one being away on a trip; and the youngest, our seven-year-old
daughter, was asleep in her bedroom at the upstairs back of our large, old
captain’s house. It is the practice of the police now to call DSS whenever
they are called to a house where underage children reside.
Neither of us minimized or denied the seriousness of the incident, and we
immediately took steps to ensure that this would never happen again. I made it
clear to my husband that I would not accept a chaotic lifestyle, and he could
not remain in the home if he chose to continue drinking. Of his own accord, he
entered counseling and became active in AA. He stopped consorting with drinking
friends and has not set foot in a bar since that night. I was clear about what I
wanted for myself and quite in charge of my own life.
When the young, ditsy (there truly is no other adjective I can use) social
worker from DSS showed up, we allowed her in and were civil. I explained clearly
that as two intelligent, mature adults we were quite capable of managing our own
lives, marriage, and problems. If I needed help, I knew how to dial 911. For
several months she kept pushing me to attend "Independence House."
Over and over, I explained in simple language that I did not feel myself to be a
battered woman, and I adamantly did not want to go to Independence House.
I am not
weak, dependent, nor in need of their services. I was hardly the profile of a
dependent, beaten-down, battered woman being controlled by her domineering
husband. I explained that my husband didn’t control me, didn’t control my
money, and I was free to come and go as I pleased, have whatever friends I
chose, and could say or do what I wished. [She wrote down that I was a textbook
case of a battered woman "in denial."]
"Protecting My Abuser" I explained to her that I had the life of my
dreams, was happy and fulfilled, and that, outside of that isolated incident, my
husband treated me like a princess. I told her, not that it was any of her
business, my husband and I loved each other and were committed to our marriage.
[She wrote that I was "protecting my abuser."] She would complain
about her ex-husband (not that I had any interest in hearing) and
condescendingly say to me, "I know how you feel. My husband was abusive,
too." I would look at her like she had two heads and tell her that I never
said any such thing. I do not feel that way. When I told her that my husband was
very sweet to me and we had a great time together, she gave me a "service
plan" on which one of the tasks was to go to Independence House for
treatment to help me "lower my denial." [When I told her I was happy
and fulfilled in life, she wrote down that I needed treatment to raise my
self-esteem. Anyone who knows me will get a good guffaw from that one!]
If I said I didn’t want to go to Independence House, she reported that as a
sign that my husband was controlling and isolating me. She would tell me that we
could meet away from my house where I could speak freely, if I could get away
without fear of repercussions. I looked at her like she had three heads. No
matter how many times I, or the children, would tell her that we were fine,
there was no violence or abuse, we weren’t afraid of my husband, and there was
no cause for her to be involved with us, it made no difference. She would
continue to write down that the whole family was "in denial," and we
were protecting my husband out of fear.
I attempted to use logic by pointing out to her that our house is on the main
street of a quaint, little historical village, across the street from the court
house, the fire station, the sheriff’s office, a few doors down from a
Senator’s office, and surrounded by antique shops and lawyers’ offices.
There is a thrift shop attached to our house and a realty office. We are highly
visible in the community and well liked. No one had ever seen or heard anything
amiss. There were no police calls to the house, not so much as a noise
complaint. I pointed out that this was not a location where disruption would go
unnoticed. It would be impossible to hide. [So she wrote down that there was
"ongoing domestic violence."] It was about this time that I began to
feel like Alice going down the rabbit hole.
At that time I was unaware that all the considerable funding to "combat
domestic violence" was channeled through DSS. To the tune of $13 million a
year. The DSS worker brought a "domestic violence expert," Sue Ash, to
my home a couple of times. (What are the qualifications to be a "domestic
violence expert"?) I reiterated my story, over and over. I felt like I was
being subjected to an inquisition, and was down to reciting name, rank, and
serial number. They insisted that I meet them for coffee at a diner. [Maybe
I’d crack.] The expert also met Tommy and me together.
The social worker dropped me and my daughter off at our house. I believed
at this point that I had done everything I could possibly do to make DSS happy,
without knowing why I should have to do so. My children had never been abused or
neglected by any stretch of the imagination, so why was my life being
micro-managed by strangers?
Harassment Starts Again After a few weeks the social worker and supervisor
started harassing me again, this time claiming that they had lost their copy of
the restraining order and the court couldn’t find it in their files either. I
had lost all patience at this point and told them that it wasn’t my problem
and to stop harassing me. They continued to threaten to take the children unless
I got another restraining order. Later on, in court hearings and in the DSS case
file, they claimed that I had gone into the court building and just pretended to
get the restraining order. My husband and I went over to court together to get
another one. The judge this time was a village resident, Judge Gerald O’Neil.
When we told the judge that we wanted a restraining order against my husband, he
quipped that he’d never had a husband and wife come together to get a
restraining order.
We said that we were being forced to get it by DSS even though there was no
violence in our home, and that neither the children nor I were in fear. Judge
O’Neil said that he didn’t like DSS dictating to him in his court room, but
if not getting the order would put our family at risk with DSS, then he would
issue it. We got a restraining order for one year.
But it didn’t stop them from taking our children. The fact that I had applied
for a restraining order helped them. That’s why they wanted it.
Nev Moore is President of Justice for Families, a group she founded to help
parents who have problems with the DSS. They can be reached at (508) 362-6921 or
P.O. Box 141, Barnstable, MA 02630.
DSS...that
is Department of Social Services which is equal to Youth Protection here in
Quebec. Although they had no court order to order me to do what was done. They
did hold threats much the same as the ones in this article. And they still have
that over our heads.
One of the mandates in the women's shelters here in Quebec is the well
being of the child or children. What THEY feel is the well being... and what
THEY feel is well being does not consist of very much male influence. They focus
on the kids...not the women. Probably because if they did focus on the women and
their mental state they would find a lot that goes against what they are
striving for...thus they focus on the kids. Giving the women no choice in many
matters. They intertwined themselves with the Youth Protection and make a nice
thick web. A lot of women that go to those shelters aren't mentally stable
...the workers know this and take full advantage of the fact. So does the Youth
Protection.
Women in those shelters are "trained" to believe that men are the
fault of everything..."low self-esteem" is the cause of why men
"do what they do" to women...on and on they go....literature by the
truck loads stating all of this garbage. They have it now that if a man and
woman have a simple argument...something, that I may add, is completely normal
in a relationship, the man is being aggressive and verbally abusive.... So on we
must search for the perfect relationship where everyone shuts up and no one has
an opinion....
Make any sense? Doesn't to me.... Nobody is perfect and there isn't a
relationship that is perfect.... we...and I say WE...men and women are not
perfect.
In the end I saw what they were all about...I voiced my opinion and am barred
from the last shelter I stayed at. They are the ones that want the control...
They are the ones that manipulate and mentally abuse... and their victims are
the ones that THEY claim they are there to help!! Ironic isn't it... Very sad
too.
(post 672-679)
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JUNE is Domestic Violence Against Men Awareness Month