The hidden half of domestic violence
How to have eternal life
NOUN: 1. The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or
ends: the failure of an experiment.
2. One that fails: a failure at one's career.
3. The condition or fact of being insufficient or falling short: a
4. A cessation of proper functioning or performance: a power failure.
5. Nonperformance of what is requested or expected; omission: failure
to report a change of address.
Often, the victims of abuse feel like failures. They are told that
they are often enough. One form of verbal abuse is to tell someone
they are failures over and over again. They often hear terms like:
"You're no good!" "You are good for nothing!" or "You can not do
All they hear is negative feedback. If someone is told a lie often
enough, they will believe the lie. This is the reason many of those
who have been abused feel they deserve the abuse. Childhood abuse is
even worse. When a child suffers long term abuse, they feel they are
at fault when their abuse is not happy. In "A Child Called "It": One
Child's Courage to Survive" David Pelzer brings this out. Often
this is reinforced by another common event in abuse. In families that
have several children, it is not uncommon for one or two to be abused
while others are treated as if they could do no wrong. This in and
of itself will cause those that are abused to feel like failures. It
adds to their confusion. Compounding this are the words of the
abuser almost each time they are abusive: "now look what YOU made me
do!" The abuser often places the blame on the abused. Yes, at
times children do intentionally do things to be punished..but there
is a major difference between chastisement and abuse. Children do
need to have limits set..but they certainly do not deserve to be
abused. What is the difference?
Chastisement should be motivated by love. We should not have
pleasure ourselves when we chasten a child. It hurts us to chasten
but when abuse is done, the abuser often does obtain satisfaction
that they are "getting even" It should never be done in anger.
Abuse most often is. Chastisement never goes beyond what is needed
to do it's job. In other words, the punishment should fit the crime.
Abuse often goes far beyond and often does not even have to have a
reason to be done.
A child should not be chasten for normal accidents such as spilling
something at the dinner table. It should be used to correct and to
help one learn.
Proverbs 13:24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that
loveth him chasteneth him betimes.
Since abuse is done in anger, we do need to point out that all anger
is not wrong. Anger can be a motivation to correct injustice. We are
told that it is wrong to be angry..without a cause. In fact, I
believe it can at times be sin...NOT to be angry.
Matthew 5:22 But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his
brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment:
What we do with that anger is what is important. There are right ways
to handle anger:
The feelings of being a failure goes well past the abuse. The longer
the abuse goes on, the harder it is to overcome. It builds up very
powerful strongholds. Remember a stronghold is essentially a wrong
thought process...a wrong mindset. When we think we are a failure,
when we think we can never do anything right, that will become a self
fulfilling prophecy. Proverbs 23:7 tells us "For as he thinketh in
his heart, so is he:"
Why does abuse occur? Why does an abuse try to make the abused feel
like failures? For one, they set too high expectations from them. A
few years ago, I was putting in a sidewalk and I asked my then 4 year
old grandson to get a bag of cement. This bag was 80 pounds. I knew
he could not lift it but I told him I would help him. Now if I made
him think he should have done so by himself, I would have made him
feel like he failed. We can do this with our spouse too. We can
expect more from them then they can deliver.
The abuser often is thinking more about how "they" look to others,
then how their victims feel. A few years ago, an incident at a mall
in Indiana made national news. It should a woman caught on video
tape beating her daughter when she thought no one would see it. The
daughter's crime, she did something in the store that her mother
thought made "her" look bad.
How often do we hear the abuser say things like "you made ME look
like" Odd is it not that when done in public places, the one that
really looks bad is not the one being abused, but the abuser? Think
about those times we have seen a child being mistreated in a store
and the parent "going off on them" Who did we think was the one that
was out of control?
We can prevent others from feeling like failures by using the Power
Do you feel like a failure my friend? You can start to pull down
that stronghold today.
1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye
present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God,
which is your reasonable service.
2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the
renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and
acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
Notice the key is by the RENEWING OF OUR MIND! We change the way we
think about things. For one, we realize that as adult victims of
abuse we move from victim to survivor by changing the way we think
about the abuse. We stop blaming ourselves and realize the abuser
was the one with the problem
Next, we recognize our own self worth. WE each are so loved by the
God of the universe that HE accepts each of us just as we are...BUT
HE loves us too much to leave us as HE found us. He wants to lift us
up out of the miry clay, the pig sty HE finds us in and then clean us
up to give us a place at the table of the KING. HE can only do this
with our permission. We have to ask HIM to accept us Just as we are:
Do you feel like a failure my friend? Remember success is simply
trying ONE more time then you fail! As long as you keep trying, you
have not failed.
Galatians 6:9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due
season we shall reap, if we faint not.
(please click above to vote for this site)
JUNE is Domestic Violence Against Men Awareness Month