The hidden half of domestic violence
How to have eternal life
Charisma, Christian Magazine and Domestic Violence
Another completely one sided article on domestic violence
in in the
Aug issue of "Charisma, Christian magazine. You can see part of this
This is my reply to Charisma:
As the director of Shattered Men, Charisma's recent article: The Sin
We Hide from View caught my attention. Although I applaud any effort
to end abuse, we need to look at both sides in order to do this.
This article only looked at one side. This would be like rowing a
boat from only one side with only one oar. We would only go in
circles if we do so.
Proverbs 21:9 "It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop,
than with a brawling woman in a wide house."
Proverbs 21:19 "It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a
contentious and an angry woman" (see Proverbs 25:24 also)
A 23 year veteran Police officer wrote to Shattered Men and stated:
On one Sunday morning, when I had been severely beaten by my wife.
I was bleeding from scratches and punches to my face, chest and back,
my shirt was ripped off and I had swelling to my face and a black
eye) he walked in and saw my wife with not a mark on her--I don't hit
back because I was taught a real man NEVER hits a woman--he saw me
all beat up and he turned to me and said, "What did you do to make
your wife do this to you?" His wife as made a Sunday School teacher
to teach other women how to be "Godly women"
A woman in Shattered Men reports that her husbands first wife had
decided to "get him back for drinking" so one morning he was awakened
by the police standing at his bed to arrest him for domestic
violence. The kicker is that his wife was in the kitchen baking
muffins (nice manipulation) and had not one single sign of abuse nor
was there any sign of a fight or struggle in their home, everything
was in its place. She claimed it happened the night before, she was
never questioned as to why she waited until the following morning
when he was sleeping and obviously no danger to her nor was she asked
why if she was so afraid and hurt was she dressed and baking before
calling the police??? He was taken from the home still half asleep
and totally lost as to why he was being arrested, they wouldn't
answer any of his questions. He was charged with disorderly conduct
(probably because they couldn't prove any domestic...because there
wasn't any) and forced to take domestic abuse classes and pay a fine
and not return home. She was allowed to give him what she thought he
should have which amounted to one fork, one knife, one spoon, one
plate, one glass and his radio and cd's and 2 changes of clothes. The
courts of course never said a word about this and to this day she is
listing him as the responsible party when she goes for medical care
but will the courts help?? Nope of course not because he is now
labeled "an abuser" and in the eyes of the courts that makes him so
evil he should have no rights ever again. So thanks to her we now are
unable to buy a home, the banks don't care about our story they just
see the unpaid bills and that's that. So not only are the men
affected but also me being the second wife and our children are as
A recent new member is permanently blind as a result of his ex wives
abuse. She said that he was in a car accident. No one bothered to
ask where was the police report of an auto accident that left a man
blind, nor did they ask where the wrecked car was or about an
emergency room record. She was never charged.
A very large well-known church Southwest of Chicago has a large
domestic violence ministry. One of the Shattered Men members asked
for help for abuse by his wife. The help he got was in the form of a
letter from the churches attorney stating that if he ever set foot on
any church property, he would be arrested. I have personally seen a
copy of this letter.
One of Shattered Men's associate directors has asked her pastor about
domestic violence in her church. Her pastor denied it exist in their
church of about 1,000 members A few weeks ago, a man from the church
did approach her to ask about her work with abused people. He stated
that he was being abused and that he knew several other men in the
church that were also. He had planed to meet with our associate
director again but only a few days later he committed "suicide" I do
contend that many suicides are not what they appear to be. Many more
men are murdered by "intimate partners" then is acknowledged but it
is not listed as such because these women hire someone to do the job
or they have affairs, often with teenagers so it does not reflect
back to them.
These are only a few testimonies in Shattered Men. There are many
Women often get away with murder by using the abuse excuse. We saw
this with a preacher's wife recently. There was no evidence of abuse
although there was clear motive as her husband was about to find out
that she wrote $17,000 in hot checks as a result of falling for a
scam. Of course, when women use the abuse excuse which often works
very well in the absence of any evidence of abuse, he is no longer
around to defend himself thus the abuse is compounded by ruining a
man's reputation without his ability to protect it.
In Charisma's article: "The Sin We Hide From View" we find:
"Each year more then 5 million incidents of "intimate partner
violence" occurs against adult women, according to the Centers of
In How To Identify Abuse:
Sexual Abuse. Many abuse sites tell us that withholding sex is abuse
also. Yet how often do we hear men tell about "sleeping on the sofa
tonight"? How often do we even hear pastors refer to it as if it is
funny from the pulpit?
Emotional Abuse: In Charisma's article, it is stated that damaging a
person's relationship with his or her children is including in this.
In reality, this is called Parental Alienation Syndrome and it is
almost always mothers who are responsible for most of it. Perhaps
this is the reason why radical feminist groups are working hard to
prevent it from being recognized in family courts.
Psychological abuse: Would not the threat to take children away from
a parent be included in this? Tens of thousands of loving fathers
have had just this very thing done to them and they have no recourse
to correct it. Many of them have gotten court orders to be able so
see their children but access is denied time and time again. In a
study: "Visitation Interference - A National Study" by Ms. J
Annette Vanini, M.S.W. and Edward Nichols, M.S.W., it was found that
77% of non-custodial fathers are NOT able to "visit" their children,
as ordered by the court, as a result of "visitation interference"
perpetuated by the custodial parent. In other words, non-compliance
with court ordered visitation is three times the problem of non-
compliance with court ordered child support and impacts the children
of divorce even more.
At the bottom of this box.... How to Identify Abuse, is listed
several sources of help. One I have noticed is: "the Task Force to
Stop Abuse Against Women" (abuse of women.org) This is following
the radical feminist model of stopping abuse...but ONLY against
I ask, why did these groups fight tooth and nail to keep the Violence
Against Women Act only focused on violence against women? Why did
they do everything possible to make sure it was not a family violence
Are you aware that this act has led to much misinformation on
domestic violence? "The Sin We Hide From View" does state that 5
million women are "victims of domestic abuse but it does go on to say
3 million men are also. Are you aware that there is no help for
these men? The most recent VAWA did add this: VAWA 2005, Section
40002(b)(8) "Nothing in this title shall be construed to prohibit
male victims of domestic violence, dating violence, sexual assault,
and stalking from receiving benefits and services under this title."
This in no way means men have to be given services. Most of the time,
they are not. In fact, often, abused men are the ones that are
arrested when police are called.
Statistics can be manipulated. When one gets funding based on these
statistics manipulation can be very rewarding. If I did a study on
the number of people who purchased a grill cheese sandwich, and got
paid for each grilled cheese purchased, it would be tempting to call
any sandwich with cheese a grilled cheese. Of course this would not
be honest. There are a number of reasons we do not know the real
statistics on domestic violence and the link below explores a few of
Senator Joseph Biden, the Delaware Democrat who once chaired the
Senate Judiciary Committee, first proposed the VAWA in 1990. The bill
was a collaborative effort, with key roles played by Victoria Nourse,
then Senate Judiciary Committee counsel, and Sally Goldfarb, then NOW
Legal Defense and Education Fund (NOW LDEF) staff attorney. A broad
range of feminist groups offered input and support, and NOW LDEF's
Pat Reuss lent lobbying expertise.
Radical feminist wrote this act. Would not this be like asking the
Klu Klux Klan to write laws concerning racial relations?
I ask you to substitute the word "women" in any of this with Black,
Asians, or any other group. Would it be fair? Would it be Just?
Would it stand the test of the Equal protection clause of the
CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES
Section 1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and
subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United
States and of the state wherein they reside. No state shall make or
enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of
citizens of the United States; nor shall any state deprive any person
of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny
to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the
There is an enormous amount of information on VAWA but I will
conclude with this.
Almost all unbiased legitimate research on domestic violence shows
that women are as abusive as men.
There is also much evidence that false accusations of domestic
violence are as much a problem now as is domestic violence.
Truth can only be obtained when we listen to all sides of an issue.
Most often when a man is charged with domestic violence, he is not
even allowed to defend himself in court. Many have back
door "convictions" by attending an anger management class, which in
reality, results in a "conviction" of domestic violence, which will
haunt him the rest of his life.
As the director of Shattered Men, I am fearful that by listening to
only one side, we are causing more harm to women as well as men but
most of all, we are causing great harm to our children. Many
murder/suicides are a result of false accusations of domestic
violence such as Tacoma police Chief David Brame who supposedly
killed his "battered" wife then himself. One problem, although there
was a lot of evidence he was battered, there was no indication that
she was until she alleged abuse midway through a heated divorce
In reality, the VAWA does very little to help anyone and it has been
destroying a great many homes resulting in many more fatherless homes
with the resulting damage it does to our children.
Family violence has actually dropped but when a system needs victims
to survive, to feed the cash cow, they have to come up with them
R.A,D.A,R. Has several special reports on VAWA on their website and
I do urge you to read them.
There is another reason to be concerned. I firmly believe that
many women are harmed in domestic situations because we do not look
at both sides. I am a mental health nurse as well as a pastor. I
have seldom seen any conflict between two adults where both did not
add to it. To place all the blame on one person is very unrealistic
and it is counterproductive.
It is also a concern when someone is awarded for being a victim. VAWA
does just this.
Another concern is that for a law with this much impact, I have to
question why only one side of this issue was invited to the table to
discuss it. No one from any men's rights, Father's rights or even
children's rights was invited to the table. Would not this be like
Congress preparing a major act on racial relations and only inviting
From many of the sermons I and many of the members of Shattered Men
have heard on Fathers day verses Mothers day, one would think that
all the evils of society were only the man's fault while women had
wings and halos and could walk on water. Neither is true although it
appears these sites have the same view.
In reality, as a pastor, I do feel strongly that the only way to
really resolve domestic abuse is for each person to have a right
relationship with God first. Shattered Men has had donations of less
then $100 in six years but we have accomplished miracles in this time
as we have seen almost three dozen saved from suicide because they
found someone that would listen to them and believe them. Others
have had marriages strengthened instead of destroyed like so many
abuse sites do. The reason? When we do things God's way…results do
To the best of my knowledge, Shattered Men is the only faith based
organization to address abused men. We however, do not ignore abused
women, as about half of our memberships are women. Many of our men
and women were abused by the opposite gender but we see them reaching
out to each other to help heal the scars of abuse.
The First Step to Better Relationship
MARRIAGE...HIS DUTIES....HER DUTIES
RADAR Special Reports
Effects of VAWA
Threat to Families
VAWA Discriminates Against Male Victims
Abuse of Domestic Restraining Orders
Justice Denied: Arrest Policies for DV
Bias in the Judiciary
A Culture of False Allegations
Has VAWA Delivered on its Promises to Women?
2006 DOJ stats on domestic violence
Martin S. Fiebert - Department of Psychology - CSU
Assaults by Women on their Spouses / Male Partners: An Annotated
Pastor Kenneth Deemer
Director Shattered Men
P.O. BOX 166
MARION INDIANA 46952-0166
JUNE is Domestic Violence Against Men Awareness Month
Web site: http://www.shatterdmen.com
Interactive Group: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Shatteredmen/
(please click above to vote for this site)
JUNE is Domestic Violence Against Men Awareness Month