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The hidden half of domestic violence

How to have eternal life


The Cause of Abuse

While this is not all-inclusive, I would like to point out a main cause of abuse be it and abusive man or an abusive woman. This is not an excuse for being abusive but it may help us understand some of the root reasons people become abusive. It may even give us some insight on the possibility we may contribute to the situation in some way.
Men and women each have a basic psychological need. Women need to feel secure. That is they need to feel LOVED. Men need to feel significant or that they are worthwhile to someone. Men want to know they are making a positive difference in someone's life. Both men and women have the deepest fulfillment when their husband or wife meets these.
What happens when these needs are not met? This could occur either way first but we have to start somewhere. If I do not make my wife feel she is loved, her basic need will not be met. I have to touch her is a significant way (hugs, cuddling) several times a day. I have to "say" I love you to her also, Sure she SHOULD know this but she NEEDS to hear me SAY it! Getting her a rose or card (better yet, "make" your own card saying I love you) will go along way for meeting this basic need she has.
In turn, she will more likely meet my need of feeling worthwhile. I need to feel significant. When she feels I love her, she can in turn make this need fulfilled in my life. When I do not meet this need, she will more likely attack me in the very area my need is greatest. Women can often start the ball rolling in this area without realizing it also, Things like even gender bashing goes a long way toward keeping these needs unmet. When men hear "If you were a man" it takes away this feeling of significance. "It is always a man's fault  or "women drivers"  do much to keep the basic needs of each other unfulfilled. Perhaps it is time for us all to stop gender bashing jokes. Too many really believe them and it messes up their views of gender roles.
When we have these needs go unmet, then it gets to be a vicious circle that will tear each other down further and further to the point the verbal and emotional abuse becomes physical. Far too often this point has been reached in our childhood. It becomes hard for anyone to meet these needs because of a mindset we obtained as an abuse child.
When a husband LOVES HIS WIFE AS CHRIST LOVES THE CHURCH regardless of how she responds, it will go a long way to meeting her need to feel loved.

When a woman summits to her own husband as 1st Peter 3:1 (and there are lots we can say on both of these if anyone wants to explore it more)
Then her husbands needs of significance are greatly enhanced. He can then love his wife more who then can make him feel more significant. THIS is the way God intended marriage to be! When we do things GOD'S WAY it works out BEST for everyone!
No it is not easy but is it easy to let things go to the extent that we see far too many homes now? We each have a part to do, Let us examine ourselves to assure we are doing our part. I have to love my wife as Christ loves the church regardless of what she does. One person not doing what God wants them to do does NOT excuse another of doing their part. We can do it folks I read the last chapter. WE WIN!

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