The hidden half of domestic violence
How to have eternal life
CONTROL and ABUSE !
"Because "I" said so!!!"
Anyone remember hearing this when they may have asked "why" about
Most often it is said in a loud voice, often with hands on hips or
folded in front of them. Seldom can any further dialog take
place. "I said so" ends any chance of discussion.
Let's take a look at this some more by looking at this from two
First, most of us can remember hearing this when we as kids
were told to do something such as "go to bed". Often if
we asked "Why", the old "because I said so" came into play.
Does this statement really address the question? Could there be a
better way to handle it?
I contend that "Because I said so" very seldom answers the question
of why. What it does say is "I am in control and you better not
What is control?
To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over
The right and power to command, decide, rule, or judge: authority,
command, domination, dominion, jurisdiction, mastery, might, power,
prerogative, sovereignty, sway. Informal say-so.
The act of exercising controlling power or the condition of being so
controlled: command, dominance, domination, dominion, mastery, reign,
Think back, when someone told you "because I said so" did it help?
This brings us to the second prospective I want to address. Do you
use this phrase? If so, does it help?
I said earlier, that "because I said so" seldom is a good answer so
when would it be ok to use it? To answer that, we need to look at
why we ask way.
If we are asking why to learn, it is never good. Let me explain.
children learn by asking why. Actually we all do. Most of the
inventions we take for granted are here because someone asked why or
a form of it such as why not. When a question is asked for the
purpose of learning, we need to answer it.
However, sometimes a question can be asked as a form of
rebellion. "Why do I have to" can be a challenge to proper authority
if allowed to go unchecked. Even at this, a pat answer such
as "because I said so" will tend to alienate instead of draw a
relationship together. An answer like this also intimidates.
1: A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up
Because I said so often can be heard as "I do not have time for
you". I would certainly tend to think that because I said so could
often be classified as "grievous words" Could not a soft answer also
include taking time to teach? There are often teachable moments in a
life that we miss because we are in too much of a hurry. How often
is this hurry to get back to something that will not matter a few
days down the road?
We can look at some of the traits of those who demand to be in control.
They tend to demand instead of eliciting cooperation. I would rather have someone do something because they want to then to do it because they are afraid of me. Controllers tend to need to be in the center of everything. If something is going on down the street, they are right there demanding to know all the details. Lois (a moderator in Shattered Men added:
They will answer when someone else is asked a question. Controllers assume, people will drop everything for their plans.
And being kind to unbelieving spouses who are in control.....
they expect Christians to be kind to them. They will point fingers at Christians who don't do as expected for Christian behavior.
Controllers become judges of other peoples behavior, never checking their own behavior. They are 'self -righteous' never admitting their own mistakes or sins. Controlling Spouses will set up 'to do' lists for the other spouse and a time table for getting it done. They are 'self -righteous' never admitting their own mistakes or sins. Controlling Spouses will set up 'to do' lists for the other spouse and a time table for getting it done.
Control can be good. In fact we need it. Think of traffic control.
Recently I drove through my town after an ice storm. All the traffic
lights were out. Sure made me appreciate the control of those
traffic lights...even if I get stopped at them once in a while.
How about crowd control? We have seen news reports of dozens of
people trampled to death because there was no crowd control.
This may be the time to point out something. I have had several
people complain long and loud and even call me satanic because we
have women working as moderators. These people do not think women
should be able to breath without a man's permission. Let's look at
something we see so often.
Often, there are those who are placed in authority to control a
situation. Let us use crowd control for example. We have seen the
results when there is no control. However, often when no one seems
to be in charge, someone will assume control and will give
directions. They may not have the authority, but because of the
need, they assume the authority and because they speak with
authority, people accept it and follow their directions. Would we
condemn these people for stepping in when and where needed and
possibly saving lives? Of course not but is that not what some are
doing when they see a woman having authority to do anything but scrub
their floors? If some men had not abandoned their post, the feminist
would not have gotten a foot hold in the first place. If those that
have the authority to control do not, most often someone will step up
to the plate if given enough time.
Another important consideration while we are here is the need to be
needed. In Acts, we see some saying the apostles could not do
anything because they were "just ignorant fishermen" Suppose they
listened to them and stopped? There would be no church today.
Several years before that, well over 5,000 people were hungry. A
small boy came along and had enough lunch…for a small boy. He gave
it all to the Master and because of his little, thousands were fed.
What would have happened if someone said he was not needed…he was
just a child?
What am I saying? I am saying that if someone feels compelled to
serve the LORD, it is not my job to tell them they can not. Yes, we
do have the same responsibly to make sure they are Biblically correct
as we do anyone else because we are to expose errors but even here…
remember there are many areas that we are ALLOWED to disagree on and
neither be wrong. Even when we do point out error, we need to
season it with salt. If we do anything without love as the
motivating factor ….WE are in SIN!
Back to control. It would seem the most successful CEO's, the
best "bosses" and supervisors often delegate control. They do not
have to have their hands in every thing. Yes, they need to know what
is happening, but they trust those that are helping them. Those that
are in control the best, simply let us know what needs to be done,
and then let us do it. It is a dictator or tyrant that has to
control everything down to the smallest detail. You know, I have
been working about 40 years in one job or another. I can not
remember any of the successful supervisors or bosses every telling
anyone…"because I said so" as a reason for doing anything. Oh I do
know some that kept a tight reign on some employees, but I also
noticed that the more control an employee gave them, the more freedom
that employee got in return.
Odd is it not, that often the one not in control feels that control is abuse? Odd is it not that if they were the one in control it would not be abuse even if they were more of a tyrant then the one in control. Do you realize there are web sites on abuse that tell us that if a husband controls the family check book, he is abusing control and that his wife is a victim of abuse? Yet, if she controlled it that would be ok. Guess they have not figured out that in most of our homes, it would be dangerous to have two check books floating around on the same bank account. Ummm come to think of it, these same people tend to think of both work, his money should go to pay family bills and her money...well it is her money do so not ask. Nope...they have not figured out yet that often it takes both to pay the bills.
Control: We all need it. I doubt if any of us would want to live in
a society where there was no control. We also need to start with
SELF CONTROL. Most any temptation to do wrong can be stopped with a
little self control. We often have to look for that one escape
route. Ummm in fact I am going to exercise this self control and
not go down another rabbit trail I would like to discuss on this
aspect right now. (Ask me later)
In Shattered Men, we think of control as an issue of abuse. At least
we hear all the repots of abuse when someone said "he was
controlling me" Lets take the last few moments to place this back in
prospective. 50/50 marriages do not work. The fact is that God has
ordained the husband to be the head of the home. This means he
is "in control" but as we have seen here, it can not be a bullying
type of control.
I have heard more and more "Christian" marriage counselors try to say
they now believe in co-submission. They use Ephesians 5:21 for
prove: Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
They fail to go on to the next few verses.
22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the
Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is
the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be
to their own husbands in every thing.
My friend, since when was the church "co-submissive" to Jesus
Christ? Notice again verse 22…wives submit to your own husband as
you would submit to the Lord. Now I ask…would you do the things you
do to your husband to the LORD???
Hey guys…don't snicker just yet. WE need to go down a verse too.
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the
church, and gave himself for it;
You know, if I love my wife, I do not want her to be my slave. I want
her to be my queen and to be right beside me, not under me or over
me...but beside me. Isn't this what GOD does with us? When we placed
our trust in Jesus Christ for salvation, did He not make us joint
heirs with Christ?
14For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of
God. 15For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to
fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry,
Abba, Father. 16The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit,
that we are the children of God: 17And if children, then heirs;
heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer
with him, that we may be also glorified together.
Umm I know of many men that want to control their family with a rod
of iron...often because "I said so" Yet even here I notice one major
thing. GOD is in full and ultimate control yet look at verse 15…God did not call us to a spirit if bondage. He does not want to have to
exercise HIS authority over us and MAKE us obey. He wants us to give
that control...to submit. Submission HAS to be offered since it can
not be demanded. If it is demanded, I will be just like Hitler or any
other tyrant. God does not want that my friend.
There is yet another form of control we need to discuss. Religious control. Many in Shattered Men have been shattered by religious abuse. Often I have been told by some of these that they were turned off from God altogether by religious abusers. These are those that have to be in control too. In Matthew 23 we read:
2: Saying The scribes and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat: 3 All therefore whatsoever they bid you observe, that observe and do; but do not ye after their works: for they say, and do not. 4 For they bind heavy burdens and grievous to be borne, and lay them on men's shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers.
These people often try to convince us that they have a direct connection to God. They often have a list of do's and don'ts that are longer then the entire Bible, Of all the controllers who use control as a form of abuse, these are the most damaging because they drive people away from God rather then to Him. Love will draw people to God...not abuse.
As most controllers who actually are abusive, they most often think that they are doing it for someone's own good...but are they? Why do some people abuse the authority they have? Why do some use control to such an extent that it becomes abuse? Becky, also a moderator in Shattered Men gave these suggestions.
For some, it is the way they grew up. They do not know any other way. For others, they need the sense of power it gives them. Could this be a result of low self esteem? They need the reassurance that power gives them like a kitten fluffy up and "spitting" at a dog? Still for others it is out of ignorance. They simply do not know the extent of their control is abuse.
Still some others do know it is abuse and they take deep pleasure in it. Most often these abusers do not have real power, they steal it like a dictator. The greatest example of this is satan who only has the power that God allows him to have. He is sort of like that kitty fluffy up in front of that dog. You see, satan does not want us to know that ALL power and authority belong to the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY. His control is only by the power of intimidation and he is a very cruel task master.
There IS good news my friend. There is one that although he has all power, does not intimidate. He allows choice. Look at what Jesus told us in Matthew 11
28Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will
give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am
meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Do you feel your burden is unbearable? Is it too heavy to bear?
Come to Jesus today my friend. HE will give you rest.
How to find Rest..... http://www.shatterdmen.com/first_step.htm
Control and Manipulation www.shatterdmen.com/CONTROL.htm
(click "BACK" button to return to this page)
(click "BACK" button to return to this page)
(please click above to vote for this site)
JUNE is Domestic Violence Against Men Awareness Month